The Firing Line Forums - View Single Post - Lighten up: What are your best/most creative excuses for misses?

Preacherman · October 17, 2002, 08:07 PM

Hunter stands in back of pickup on a cold winter morning in the Transvaal, surrounded by three trackers, with PH and hunter's companion (female) in cab of pickup. Pickup is moving at ±10 mph across broken ground towards parking area, where all concerned will debus and spend the morning stalking eland, kudu and assorted African antelope.

Large rhinoceros is carelessly bumped by PH (driving) as he rounds a bush. Large (and now very angry) rhino jerks upright, snorting loudly, as three trackers decamp from back of pickup at lightning speed, disappearing up trees so fast they look like Speedy Gonzales on methamphetamine. PH's voice comes from cab of truck loudly entreating hunter to shoot the expletive deleted rhino before it performs an anatomically impossible act on the pickup, the morals of which are definitely suspect. Hunter's girlfriend meanwhile encourages swift action with unintelligible shrieks of... I dunno - alarm? Passion? Pro-rhinoceros propaganda? PETA slogans???

Hunter realizes that his moment of glory and great renown hath dawned at last. Takes firm grasp upon stock and fore-end of rifle, lifts toward his shoulder, and promptly strikes end of barrel against metal framework above cab of pickup. Since he is carelessly grasping trigger rather firmly at the time, the rifle obediently fires, sending .375 H&H softpoint (plus entire contents of muzzle flash) through roof of cab, removing PH's hat, and scaring hunter's girlfriend into a vow of chastity (at least as far as he's concerned, so to speak...).

PH's voice floats back to hunter, inquiring somewhat urgently whether or not he is aware of what, precisely, he is doing, and urging him in tones of sweet reasonableness to connect with the rhino before said rhino connects with pickup. Before hunter can answer, said rhino makes contact, and hunter is thrown bodily from pickup, landing a$$-first in large thorn bush thoughtfully placed by the Almighty in a spot convenient for his landing. Hunter exclaims thoughtfully "Oh, dearie me..." (or words to that effect), and tries vainly to get up out of thorns now pinning him to the African landscape.

Giving up his escape efforts, he fires four rounds at rhino, now standing at a later-measured distance of 5 feet (yes, FIVE FEET!!!) from him, looking at him with an inquisitive eye. Clean-misses every single shot - not even a puff of smoke from the ground or a fallen leaf from the bushes around the rhino. All this time, PH and girlfriend are imploring Heaven, Hell and everything in between (particularly the hunter) to please DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT F#$%*@G RHINO!!!

At about the time hunter decides to seek additional ammo. from his belt pouch, rhino decides that he's had enough fun for one morning, and disappears behind a bush, not to be seen again that day. After much discussion (sadly, not altogether in the Queen's English), PH and girlfriend aid hunter in removing himself from thorn bush. All limp homeward, taking over 3 hours to get there, pickup now being a sideways-leaning feature of the African landscape. Asked (repeatedly and profanely) by both PH and girlfriend (soon to be ex-) why he hadn't connected at a range so short with a target so big, hunter lamely tries every single excuse in the book, including shell-shock, thorns in fundament, inability to see more than one ear through scope, etc... None of them worked!

Hunter never goes out with that particular PH again, who (shortly thereafter) takes up with hunter's ex-girlfriend. At their wedding, PH's muzzle-blast-scarred hat takes a prominent part in the "How they met" story told by the best man (yes, it was the hunter... and I'm sorry to say the hunter was me!!!)

October 17, 2002, 08:07 PM	#29
Preacherman Senior Member Join Date: July 9, 2002 Posts: 791	It's a long story, but here goes... Hunter stands in back of pickup on a cold winter morning in the Transvaal, surrounded by three trackers, with PH and hunter's companion (female) in cab of pickup. Pickup is moving at ±10 mph across broken ground towards parking area, where all concerned will debus and spend the morning stalking eland, kudu and assorted African antelope. Large rhinoceros is carelessly bumped by PH (driving) as he rounds a bush. Large (and now very angry) rhino jerks upright, snorting loudly, as three trackers decamp from back of pickup at lightning speed, disappearing up trees so fast they look like Speedy Gonzales on methamphetamine. PH's voice comes from cab of truck loudly entreating hunter to shoot the expletive deleted rhino before it performs an anatomically impossible act on the pickup, the morals of which are definitely suspect. Hunter's girlfriend meanwhile encourages swift action with unintelligible shrieks of... I dunno - alarm? Passion? Pro-rhinoceros propaganda? PETA slogans??? Hunter realizes that his moment of glory and great renown hath dawned at last. Takes firm grasp upon stock and fore-end of rifle, lifts toward his shoulder, and promptly strikes end of barrel against metal framework above cab of pickup. Since he is carelessly grasping trigger rather firmly at the time, the rifle obediently fires, sending .375 H&H softpoint (plus entire contents of muzzle flash) through roof of cab, removing PH's hat, and scaring hunter's girlfriend into a vow of chastity (at least as far as he's concerned, so to speak...). PH's voice floats back to hunter, inquiring somewhat urgently whether or not he is aware of what, precisely, he is doing, and urging him in tones of sweet reasonableness to connect with the rhino before said rhino connects with pickup. Before hunter can answer, said rhino makes contact, and hunter is thrown bodily from pickup, landing a$$-first in large thorn bush thoughtfully placed by the Almighty in a spot convenient for his landing. Hunter exclaims thoughtfully "Oh, dearie me..." (or words to that effect), and tries vainly to get up out of thorns now pinning him to the African landscape. Giving up his escape efforts, he fires four rounds at rhino, now standing at a later-measured distance of 5 feet (yes, FIVE FEET!!!) from him, looking at him with an inquisitive eye. Clean-misses every single shot - not even a puff of smoke from the ground or a fallen leaf from the bushes around the rhino. All this time, PH and girlfriend are imploring Heaven, Hell and everything in between (particularly the hunter) to please DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT F#$%*@G RHINO!!! At about the time hunter decides to seek additional ammo. from his belt pouch, rhino decides that he's had enough fun for one morning, and disappears behind a bush, not to be seen again that day. After much discussion (sadly, not altogether in the Queen's English), PH and girlfriend aid hunter in removing himself from thorn bush. All limp homeward, taking over 3 hours to get there, pickup now being a sideways-leaning feature of the African landscape. Asked (repeatedly and profanely) by both PH and girlfriend (soon to be ex-) why he hadn't connected at a range so short with a target so big, hunter lamely tries every single excuse in the book, including shell-shock, thorns in fundament, inability to see more than one ear through scope, etc... None of them worked! Hunter never goes out with that particular PH again, who (shortly thereafter) takes up with hunter's ex-girlfriend. At their wedding, PH's muzzle-blast-scarred hat takes a prominent part in the "How they met" story told by the best man (yes, it was the hunter... and I'm sorry to say the hunter was me!!!)