Dad-gum-it! It's moron hunting season
by Howie Carr
Sunday, December 1, 2002
Hot diggity damn! Shotgun deer-hunting season starts tomorrow at dawn in Massachusetts.
Thousands of deer will die. So will hundreds of thousands of cans of beer. Other likely casualties include a few cows and horses, some rural road signs and a golden retriever or two whose owners neglected to obey the local leash laws at the absolute worst possible moment.
Don't get me wrong - I support the Second Amendment, and I understand just how onerous the gun laws are here in the commonwealth.
Still, it's somewhat unsettling every year to suddenly see all those pickup trucks pulled over to the side of the road at sun-up, knowing toothless, drunken, MCAS-failing Carla Howell voters are stumbling through the forest, yelling ``Dad-gum-it!'' and ``Yee-haw!'' while blasting indiscriminately at everything that moves, or doesn't.
Let's go straight to the wires.
In Minnesota this season, they had quite a ``harvest.'' On Nov. 9, an 89-year-old man was sitting on his front porch with a shotgun, waiting for Bambi's mother to walk by. Finally, he thought he saw a deer and fired. The deer turned out to be a white horse named Princess that was being ridden by a 12-year-old girl. Princess staggered into a field to lie down while the girl ran home, screaming, ``Daddy, they shot my horse.''
A few weeks earlier, in Brooklyn Park, Minn., a pheasant hunter put down his 12-gauge shotgun and his year-old setter, Sonny, stepped on the trigger, drilling his master's ankle. Explaining later what it was like to be shot by a dog, the hunter said, ``You feel like such a fool.''
Hunters always are complaining they get such a bum rap that kids no longer take up the ``sport.'' Not so in Wilmington, Ohio, where last week a father took his 10-year-old son out into the woods. The lad quickly recorded his first confirmed kill: a 38-year-old pal of his father.
The problem is that a lot of these rednecks get all likkered up and jes' wander into the woods, without licenses, with the wrong weapons, with dogs, before the season begins, etc. Nobody's gonna tell them when and where they can hunt. That's communism, bub. They figure, one 12-pack of Budweiser equals one 12-point buck.
In Westerly, R.I., last weekend, some yahoos went in blasting, and it didn't take them long to bring down some big game. Unfortunately, it was a member of their own party, a 36-year-old yard laborer who bled to death while no one called for help. The other nimrods were charged with ``failure to render aid,'' apparently because they didn't want to alert any game wardens to their poaching.
In Vermont, it's taken two years to bring a bow hunter to trial after he shot an arrow into the air and it fell to earth he apparently cared not where - namely, a tree stand 20 feet off the ground. The arrow struck a 30-year-old hunter there, who toppled out of the tree deader than Old Yeller.
The bow hunter's defense? He had been aiming at a deer. Must of been one of them new-fangled flyin' deer. What the Sam Hill is Bambi doing up thar in the air?
A bear hunter in Oregon this fall dropped another hunter with a single shot from a .300-caliber Magnum rifle. The ``bear'' was wearing a backpack when he was killed, and his name was Clyde W. Shumway, age 58.
Sooner or later, somebody had to sue somebody. In Pennsylvania, a maimed outdoorsman is doing just that, filing a civil action against the moron who gunned him down while he was walking along a horse trail in a state park. The victim was wearing a blaze-orange vest, but that didn't stop a turkey-hunting nimrod, one Frank Yaeger, from blasting him with a shotgun.
The victim had 28 pellets dug out of him, and his lawyer issued this statement:
``Mr. Yeager apparently believed my client was a turkey. I suppose Mr. Yaeger thought he was shooting at a 5-foot, 10-inch turkey.''
Jumpin' Jehosephat. The woods tomorrow will be full of 5-10 turkeys, and all of them will be full of Wild Turkey. Pass the bullets and pass the bottle, Billy Bob. Hunting season is here.
http://www2.bostonherald.com/news/co...rr12012002.htm
I think Howie Carr's a bit of a moron himself, but stupid people tend to give ammunition to morons.....