A letter from the Australian PM to Indonesia

Bruce from West Oz · September 16, 1999, 07:54 AM

This would be bloody funny ... if it weren't so true ...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To : The Indonesian Foreign Minister
From : The Australian Prime Minister

My Dear Dr. Alatas,

May I thank you, on behalf of the Australian people, for your country's most kind declaration of war, received in my office at
8pm last night. With sincere regret, I must decline your invitation to fight. If you could delay your invasion of our northern
coastline until, say, 2015, I'm sure we'd be able to give you a terrific scrap. But at the moment, I doubt we could even field a
team.

Our F-111s are grounded again, and, because of their age (ours have the gearshift on the steering column, and those indicators that flip out of the door pillars), spare parts are available only at wrecking yards and swap meets. Also, we can't seem to get them to run properly on unleaded. The Chinooks in Townsville are grounded, too. Losing choppers is bad news as our fixed-wing capacity in the north is presently in tatters. Why? A slight kafuffle over my good friend Warren Entsch's
concreting business has left our RAAF base at Weipa short of a number of desirable features --- like a runway.

Our Defence Minister, Mr. Moore sends his apologies, but insists that a war is presently out of the question as we don't have a Defence Secretary. Well we have one, but he's currently trying to wrestle Mr. Moore to death in Federal Court for wrongful
dismissal. It would be a little unfair on Mr. Moore to begin a war while nobody in the Defence Department will speak to him.

You will probably know that the Chief of Navy isn't getting a new contract either but, even if he was, I could not possibly commit our senior service to any conflict. Our two Collins Class submarines, Drowning and Waving, have just returned from
sea trials off Fiji to assess their design targets of silence and stealth. Everytime they went into reverse, normal conversation
became impossible across most of Chile and Peru, it is also disheartening that Drowning ran aground, especially as this mishap
somehow snapped off her periscope. Think about it! Not that we have enough submariners to man the boats anyway.

Attracting career sailors to our modern professional Navy has not been helped by recent revelations on prime time television
that recruits are routinely stripped naked, smeared with food scraps and excrement and flogged on the buttocks. I take no
comfort from the flood of applications this publicity drew from Tasmania.

The Army is still the bulwark of Australia's security, but even there things are difficult. Changes following the women in combat report, and same-sex relationship rulings have in my opinion compromised our flexibility. For example both the first heavy
armoured (Dykes with Pykes) and the Gay Fusiliers (the Queen's Limp Wrist) refuse to fight for a fortnight either side of the
Sydney Gay Mardi Gras. Other soldiers are insisting, these days, on 'owning' the conflict and have begun to enrol in regular
workshops to better manage and defuse their aggression. High Court rulings may also mean, with no offence Dr. Alatas, that we can not engage in a battle against a racially selected enemy force. Can you recruit a sprinkling of Europeans next time? By all means take as many of ours as you want.

It is a good indication of the quality of our Defence Intelligence Organisation that I am unable to send this transmission in code.
The code books were stolen by an unstable, steroid abuser, Jean-Philippe Wispelaere, shrewdly recruited by the DIO, and
entrusted with most of our defence secrets. So now we don't have any. Mr. Wispelaere sold them all in Bangkok. If you have any secrets you don't need anymore, we would be most grateful for them. I should have the code books back soon. Christies are auctioning them in Havana next week. In the meantime, DIO suggest we use the old a=b, b=c, c=d code. They swear by it.

I know our refusal will be a considerable disappointment to you, but can I suggest that you consider invading New Zealand instead? Their only significant defence capability lies with their two Anzac-Class Frigates, Mulk and Lemb. I have no doubt
you'll cream them, and I should know --- they were both built in Australia.

Best Wishes,
John Howard[/quote]

The "Mulk" and "Lemb" bit falls flat unless you know the Kiwi accent (it's the way they pronounce "milk" and "lamb")

Don't fly at me --- it is a joke ... but honestly, sometimes you have to wonder ........

We just heard the Indonesian PM telling us that Aussie troops would be designated "special" targets -- and they tore up the defence pact we had with them. This could get bloody serious really quickly.

B

HS · September 16, 1999, 08:05 AM

Heeeellllpppp !.........

... --- ...

------------------
"The Gun from Down Under !"
http://www.para1911fanclub.w3.to/
Alternate E-mail
[email protected]

[This message has been edited by HS (edited September 16, 1999).]

September 16, 1999, 08:17 AM

Priceless!!!!!!

longhair · September 16, 1999, 12:36 PM

------------------
RKBA
www.southernparty.org

westex · September 17, 1999, 12:20 AM

Not to worry! Our esteemed Commander-in-Chief has commited the US for 200. But there's going to be a slight delay 'cause we're having a problem getting the correct percentages sexually oriented and racial enlistees to volunteer. Also some trial lawyers have filed 37 suits in regard to the possible endangerment of having US citizens exposed to first-hand smoke if explosives should be used. On second thought - to worry.
RKBA!

September 16, 1999, 07:54 AM	#1
Bruce from West Oz Senior Member Join Date: February 26, 1999 Location: Perth, Western Australia Posts: 274	This would be bloody funny ... if it weren't so true ... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To : The Indonesian Foreign Minister From : The Australian Prime Minister My Dear Dr. Alatas, May I thank you, on behalf of the Australian people, for your country's most kind declaration of war, received in my office at 8pm last night. With sincere regret, I must decline your invitation to fight. If you could delay your invasion of our northern coastline until, say, 2015, I'm sure we'd be able to give you a terrific scrap. But at the moment, I doubt we could even field a team. Our F-111s are grounded again, and, because of their age (ours have the gearshift on the steering column, and those indicators that flip out of the door pillars), spare parts are available only at wrecking yards and swap meets. Also, we can't seem to get them to run properly on unleaded. The Chinooks in Townsville are grounded, too. Losing choppers is bad news as our fixed-wing capacity in the north is presently in tatters. Why? A slight kafuffle over my good friend Warren Entsch's concreting business has left our RAAF base at Weipa short of a number of desirable features --- like a runway. Our Defence Minister, Mr. Moore sends his apologies, but insists that a war is presently out of the question as we don't have a Defence Secretary. Well we have one, but he's currently trying to wrestle Mr. Moore to death in Federal Court for wrongful dismissal. It would be a little unfair on Mr. Moore to begin a war while nobody in the Defence Department will speak to him. You will probably know that the Chief of Navy isn't getting a new contract either but, even if he was, I could not possibly commit our senior service to any conflict. Our two Collins Class submarines, Drowning and Waving, have just returned from sea trials off Fiji to assess their design targets of silence and stealth. Everytime they went into reverse, normal conversation became impossible across most of Chile and Peru, it is also disheartening that Drowning ran aground, especially as this mishap somehow snapped off her periscope. Think about it! Not that we have enough submariners to man the boats anyway. Attracting career sailors to our modern professional Navy has not been helped by recent revelations on prime time television that recruits are routinely stripped naked, smeared with food scraps and excrement and flogged on the buttocks. I take no comfort from the flood of applications this publicity drew from Tasmania. The Army is still the bulwark of Australia's security, but even there things are difficult. Changes following the women in combat report, and same-sex relationship rulings have in my opinion compromised our flexibility. For example both the first heavy armoured (Dykes with Pykes) and the Gay Fusiliers (the Queen's Limp Wrist) refuse to fight for a fortnight either side of the Sydney Gay Mardi Gras. Other soldiers are insisting, these days, on 'owning' the conflict and have begun to enrol in regular workshops to better manage and defuse their aggression. High Court rulings may also mean, with no offence Dr. Alatas, that we can not engage in a battle against a racially selected enemy force. Can you recruit a sprinkling of Europeans next time? By all means take as many of ours as you want. It is a good indication of the quality of our Defence Intelligence Organisation that I am unable to send this transmission in code. The code books were stolen by an unstable, steroid abuser, Jean-Philippe Wispelaere, shrewdly recruited by the DIO, and entrusted with most of our defence secrets. So now we don't have any. Mr. Wispelaere sold them all in Bangkok. If you have any secrets you don't need anymore, we would be most grateful for them. I should have the code books back soon. Christies are auctioning them in Havana next week. In the meantime, DIO suggest we use the old a=b, b=c, c=d code. They swear by it. I know our refusal will be a considerable disappointment to you, but can I suggest that you consider invading New Zealand instead? Their only significant defence capability lies with their two Anzac-Class Frigates, Mulk and Lemb. I have no doubt you'll cream them, and I should know --- they were both built in Australia. Best Wishes, John Howard[/quote] The "Mulk" and "Lemb" bit falls flat unless you know the Kiwi accent (it's the way they pronounce "milk" and "lamb") Don't fly at me --- it is a joke ... but honestly, sometimes you have to wonder ........ We just heard the Indonesian PM telling us that Aussie troops would be designated "special" targets -- and they tore up the defence pact we had with them. This could get bloody serious really quickly. B

September 16, 1999, 08:05 AM	#2
HS Senior Member Join Date: October 11, 1998 Location: Brisbane.....Australia Posts: 1,258	Heeeellllpppp !......... ... --- ... ------------------ "The Gun from Down Under !" http://www.para1911fanclub.w3.to/ Alternate E-mail [email protected] [This message has been edited by HS (edited September 16, 1999).]

September 16, 1999, 08:17 AM	#3
CHEMNCO917 Guest Posts: n/a	Priceless!!!!!!

September 16, 1999, 12:36 PM	#4
longhair Senior Member Join Date: October 20, 1998 Location: CSA Posts: 632	------------------ RKBA www.southernparty.org

September 17, 1999, 12:20 AM	#5
westex Senior Member Join Date: May 15, 1999 Location: E of El Paso & W of Ft. Worth Posts: 602	Not to worry! Our esteemed Commander-in-Chief has commited the US for 200. But there's going to be a slight delay 'cause we're having a problem getting the correct percentages sexually oriented and racial enlistees to volunteer. Also some trial lawyers have filed 37 suits in regard to the possible endangerment of having US citizens exposed to first-hand smoke if explosives should be used. On second thought - to worry. RKBA!