Right Coast, Left Coast, In the Middle

[Mike in VA]

My sister, a transplanted Merrylander to Seabrook TX, sent this. Ten years ago, she'da thought this was 'quaint', seems to be embracing it now (worse things could happen). I'm still gonna buy my nephew a shotgun next year when he turns 18 (my sister is still too liberal for her own good, doesn't really care for guns). I sent him a copy of "Safety On" for Xmas, we'll get him squared away next summer . . .

For Everyone Who Loves the Rural Midwest!

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross the 12 Midwestern States (Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota, and Wisconsin) the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter any Midwestern State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road’. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW X-what the hell. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Either drive yours or get it out of the way.

3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women...and you won't enjoy it.

4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- we call them "bait".

5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham, turkey, and cheese. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

8. No, we don't eat too much here, we just know how to eat. Our men don't get big and strong here by chewing on organic celery sticks while drinking a chai tea latte. They grow up big and strong by eating their mama's home-made meat loaf, real mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob from their garden, home-made biscuits, followed off by a few slices of home-made apple pie made with apples from the orchard and a big healthy glass of whole milk from our award winning dairy cows. As to how we work off what we eat, see #1 above.

9. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 40 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

17. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

18. You may think that we're boring people because most of us are farmers, but you'd better stop to think where most of your food comes from first. Didn't your mama ever tell you it's not polite to talk with your mouth full? We work hard here to provide our country with the food and dairy it needs to feed it's people. In other words, we're too busy working to listen to you whine and complain. And by the way, we're not boring -- just come into one of our local taverns on a Friday night and we'll show you our idea of a good time. Oh, better not plan anything for Saturday or Sunday. You'll need that long to recuperate from Friday night if you're going to keep up with the locals.

19. No that is not Bambi standing in that corn field. It is a deer and yes, we shoot them and eat them here. You want low-fat meat? Nothing better than a lean venison steak. Don't like the fact that we shoot them? Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of nowhere and it does $15,000 damage to your $60,000 BM'er.

20. Cheese is it's own food group and yes, it goes with anything -- even apple pie. Have a Nice Mid-West Day;-)

FWIW, I spent 5 yrs in Chicago and puttin' around down state on my scooter, I lenjoyed the midwest a bunch except for the weather (winters).

[Meowhead]

their mama's home-made meat loaf, real mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob from their garden, home-made biscuits, followed off by a few slices of home-made apple pie made with apples from the orchard and a big healthy glass of whole milk

I'm hungry.

[LawDog]

ROTFLMBO.

LawDog

[mrsMTN]

That is so good! Could apply equally well to Vermont!

[Bog]

Blast it, Mike, I'd just about gotten used to the food in the UK again!

You know, I could go out with a chainsaw and carve chunks out of cows here. You know the 20oz three-inch-thick chunks that you take for granted?

I'm sure they wouldn't be missed - nobody in dear Blighty seems to know what to do with the steaky bits of a cow anyway.

*pine*

[WyldOne]

15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

This one freaks me out every single time I visit my parents. And random people join in my conversations at K-Mart?

Yikes!! I need my rude city dwellers!

[mrsMTN]

YESS!!!!! Rural America rules! (do you realize how hard that is to say?)

[johnbt]

Heh, heh, heh. That's good.

You know, truth be told, they ain't any smarter when they're at home.

John

[OF]

Here comes the gun tie-in!

This one freaks me out every single time I visit my parents. And random people join in my conversations at K-Mart?

An armed society is a polite society. If everyone is armed, why do you need to be afraid of friendly people? You only to need to be wary of friendly people when you are helpless. If you are armed, you can afford to be friendly. You can risk stopping to help those people on the side of the road.

- Gabe

[nascarnhlnra]

lol.....made me hungry too.

[Courier]

I'd hold off on the chainsaw hunting, isn't that the land of MAD COW disease?

[WyldOne]

Gabe, I'm from Bahhhhh-stin. The general attitude here (and one I find quite comforting), is "Who are you and why are you looking at me? And what in the world is wrong with your lips?"

Or...."Don't know you didn't see nothin' mindin' my own business"

So I go to IOWA (No offense to any Iowans here--But I know about 2 people in town, and from what I know of the political culture there, I'd rather keep it that way ), and people are smiling at me. Waving to me. Saying things like, "Hi, how are you?" "Nice day today, isn't it?"

Which makes my urban east coast mind go: Who are you and why are you tawkin' to me??

It's all good though. I only go "home" for Christmas. And hey--as long as I'm gettin' presents, I can be persuaded to get used to any climate

As for the gun tie in...My 'rents are the ones who are HORRID anti's. And they're the ones that live in Iowa. Um....oops?

[Hemicuda]

hey... I'm a country boy from rural Michigan... I drive a pickup, and wave at strangers when it moves me...

I eat Bambi, and fresh Beef, and I like it!

my GF IS corn-fed... and I like her too!

I resemble that remark... makes me wanna leave this damn city 4 days early and head north to my home up there! (in the city of 2500 people where I was RAISED!

[WyldOne]

what does corn-fed mean?

Presumably something other than one who eats corn?

[C.R.Sam]

Whenever forced to do time in a largish city. I love to freak out the locals by bein friendly.

Downtown LA, tip your hat to a lady or give a big "Howdee" to a stranger and the reaction is more fun than the cheap afternoon pictureshow.

Offered a Judge some of my baggied tobaccy and papers and thought he was gonna faint on the spot. Pipe tobacco and they go all weired. And he was smokin 5 dollar a pack tailor made stuff that may smell bad but at least it tastes horrible.

Love the city. Sho glad to get out of it each time tho.

Sam

[ATTICUS]

That's funny! I was shopping at a "Rural King" store in my old home town last weekend and couldn't help but notice that every customer made some type of friendly comment to the cashier as they checked out. Spontaneous casual conversations just don't seem to common here in the city (even in the Midwest).

[Hemicuda]

not actually "fat" but a little "meat on the bones" is the meaning taken where I come from...

it''s actually DESIRABLE to have a woman who can handle herself around the farm up here...

Corn-Fed farm girls are the best thing since Adam lost a rib!

[SkySlash]

Nice list!

The sad thing, is that most East and West coasters would laugh at it thinking it was a joke, while we take pride in it realizing it's good honest people that list describes.

-SS

[Kaylee]

WyldOne –

There be two basic ways to raise up critters for market – set ‘em out to pasture, or put ‘em on a feedlot. A critter that gets most of their nutrition from a feedlot (cornfed) will fatten up much quicker than a critter on a pasture.. and more of the meat is fat… this is where all the marbling you see on steaks is from.

Really, putting critters on a feedlot is kinda like feeding a person a diet of all potato chips and French fries, instead of broccoli and asparagus.

SO.. I’m guessing “corn-fed” when referring to a person means som’n like… “porker.”

-K

edited to add.. ah.. pardon. perhaps meaning's different in different places.. didn't hear it a lot in East TN.

[Monkeyleg]

I've always thought corn-fed beef tasted better. Different strokes, I guess.

I'm always amazed at how little the "coasters" know of the midwest. A couple of years ago my sales rep was in NYC making a presentation, and the art buyer had a location shoot in Arizona she wanted my rep to bid on. The conversation went something like this:

Buyer: "Where's your photographer from?"

Rep: "Milwaukee."

Buyer: "Where's that?"

Rep: "It's 90 miles north of Chicago."

Buyer: "Well, if he's that close to Arizona why can't he just drive there?"

[leadbutt]

Damn, not only am I hungry now, but i am ready to move back to Kansas

[Stetson_CO]

Lady Stetson is from Mass and when we visit her mom I can never go anywhere alone. I have to take either her or mom-in-law with me as a translator...I dont talk fast enough for them and they talk WAY to fast for me.

It is fun to go to downtown Boston(if you can find a place to park ::mutter:: Big Dig) and look around. Do not ask for directions, it doesnt work the way they say it does. Do not nod or tip your hat, you get funny looks and I was threatened once. Do not wave at anyone on the roads, they think its an insult or something.

However, outside of the city is some pretty country and alot of history.


c):{

[Southla1]

Man, change some of the food to crawfish, shrimp, crabs, gator, or gumbo, and the combine to a sugar cane cutter, and it sounds like South Louisiana...

Mais I promise you dat cher!

Oh yea before I forget our gals are "rice fed" makes certain curves better and more to grab is all!

[OF]

Do not wave at anyone on the roads, they think its an insult or something.

I think that's, well, pretty sad actually.

- Gabe

[Mike in VA]

This really struck a chord when I got it. One of my good friends from Chicago was an Iowa farm girl. Her daddy ran about 3000 acres in the NE corner (beautiful country, rolling and wooded), it was always a treat to get outa town and do a long weekend out there.

The crack about doing more before breakfast was soooo true. In town I played requetball 2-3X/week, swam regualrly, etc, thought I was in shape, but her little brother (16) could put me to shame loading hay or most anything else.

The general friendliness is a bit unnerving at first, but once you realize it sincere and just the way it is, it's pretty nice. Mondays back in town were kinda ruce in comparison.

No. VA usta be much more 'Southern' in flavor, now its just as proctologically challenged as the rest of the northeast. Damn shame.