Ban Halloween!!! (a goofy missive)

Rovert · October 31, 2002, 06:26 PM

Dateline: New Jersey

Under the briskness of a bright, blustery, Autumn sky, New Jersey legislators met with the Soccer Parents against Latenight Area Trick-or-treating (SPLAT) to call an end to the senseless deaths that arise from injuries during Halloween.

"More children die during this day, than any other day of the year" said Fran Gibles, leader of the coalition, "it's a National tradgedy, and it's got to stop. "We're petitioning the State Assembly to introduce a bill that will stop the slaughter, and end the tragic accidents that befall our children because of the holiday."

Statistics verify that more children are, in fact, injured or die on October 31st than any other single day in the year. SPLAT statistics clearly show that the number of Halloween-related accidents in the US is much greater on October 31st, than on any other day of the year.

"What we have here is a Candy Culture in America. Our bill will require prequalification of trick-or-treaters, in a process that will involve a test to determine eligibility for carrying candy in public. It will require that some basic qualifications are met, such as: a child be able to cross the street on his own, safely operate doorbells, and go up and down stairs without tripping. Any child who wants to engage in this holiday will be photographed, fingerprinted, and issued a CandyID Card, which must be presented prior to receiving any candy."

"We also have attached the 'smart lantern' bill, so that there won't be any accidental spillages of candy on the street where it can be picked up by another child that is not authorized, and requires that candy be manufactured with a wrapper that cannot be unwravelled by anyone under the age of 18."

The coalition's president, Jack O'Lantern, was quoted as saying that: "Observing some common sense holiday laws will greatly reduce the random bell pushing and accidental ringings that occur every year, making neighborhoods safe from Negligent Disturbances. We have to end the cycle. Children are able to obtain candy from non-licensed dealers. It's got to stop. That's why we're seeking to also sue the candy manufactuers that distribute the product."

Among the other legal angles SPLAT is pursuing, is ensuring that the 'distribution loophole' is closed. "There are unlicensed dispensers of candy out there that have to be shut down! But more specifically, if we just outlaw the holiday, that will stop the candy from reaching the streets."

When asked exactly how the legislation would prevent children from obtaining candy from other sources, or on other days, neither spokesperson offered comment, other than to say "... it's all for the children, to keep them safe."

jes1994 · October 31, 2002, 08:51 PM

Rovert,

Is this public domain? Can we post it elsewhere?

**Bud Helms** · October 31, 2002, 09:04 PM

Uh, ... off topic. Closed.

October 31, 2002, 06:26 PM	#1
Rovert Senior Member Join Date: October 6, 2001 Location: NJ Posts: 806	Ban Halloween!!! (a goofy missive) Dateline: New Jersey Under the briskness of a bright, blustery, Autumn sky, New Jersey legislators met with the Soccer Parents against Latenight Area Trick-or-treating (SPLAT) to call an end to the senseless deaths that arise from injuries during Halloween. "More children die during this day, than any other day of the year" said Fran Gibles, leader of the coalition, "it's a National tradgedy, and it's got to stop. "We're petitioning the State Assembly to introduce a bill that will stop the slaughter, and end the tragic accidents that befall our children because of the holiday." Statistics verify that more children are, in fact, injured or die on October 31st than any other single day in the year. SPLAT statistics clearly show that the number of Halloween-related accidents in the US is much greater on October 31st, than on any other day of the year. "What we have here is a Candy Culture in America. Our bill will require prequalification of trick-or-treaters, in a process that will involve a test to determine eligibility for carrying candy in public. It will require that some basic qualifications are met, such as: a child be able to cross the street on his own, safely operate doorbells, and go up and down stairs without tripping. Any child who wants to engage in this holiday will be photographed, fingerprinted, and issued a CandyID Card, which must be presented prior to receiving any candy." "We also have attached the 'smart lantern' bill, so that there won't be any accidental spillages of candy on the street where it can be picked up by another child that is not authorized, and requires that candy be manufactured with a wrapper that cannot be unwravelled by anyone under the age of 18." The coalition's president, Jack O'Lantern, was quoted as saying that: "Observing some common sense holiday laws will greatly reduce the random bell pushing and accidental ringings that occur every year, making neighborhoods safe from Negligent Disturbances. We have to end the cycle. Children are able to obtain candy from non-licensed dealers. It's got to stop. That's why we're seeking to also sue the candy manufactuers that distribute the product." Among the other legal angles SPLAT is pursuing, is ensuring that the 'distribution loophole' is closed. "There are unlicensed dispensers of candy out there that have to be shut down! But more specifically, if we just outlaw the holiday, that will stop the candy from reaching the streets." When asked exactly how the legislation would prevent children from obtaining candy from other sources, or on other days, neither spokesperson offered comment, other than to say "... it's all for the children, to keep them safe." __________________ "Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers, and men, crooked." 2A For Dummies WaltherForums - all Walther, all the time!

October 31, 2002, 09:04 PM	#3
Bud Helms Staff Join Date: December 31, 1999 Location: Middle Georgia Posts: 10,553	Uh, ... off topic. Closed. __________________ "The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion." - John Lawton, speaking to the American Association of Broadcast Journalists in 1995

October 31, 2002, 08:51 PM	#2
jes1994 Member Join Date: October 23, 2001 Location: Houston, TX, USA Posts: 59	Rovert, Is this public domain? Can we post it elsewhere?