HP Lovecraft never posted on TFL.

**LawDog** · November 2, 2002, 08:29 PM

Yes, Ladles and Germs, the Annual Mutt Horror-a-Thon has come and gone once again.

8 hours of the worst, err, best, horror movies ever to come out of Hollywierd, and I gotta purge my system yet again. So...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The writing is High Thangarian, a language that was dead and lost when the Atlanteans were still picking fleas and peeling fruit with their toes."

"Oh my God, Edgar! What will we do? How will we read it?"

"I used the Internet."

"Oxford? Smithsonian? The Illuminati?"

"No, actually a website called 'The Firing Line'. Man there named CR Sam speakes High Thangarian. "

"Oh."

"Fluently. He insulted Yog Soggoth. In three words or less."

"Insulted It. Edgar, we're doomed!"

"Not for another three thousand years. Sam parted Yoggy's tentacles with one shot from a .44, then kicked him back through the gate. Told him to 'git along' before Sam got really irritated."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It rises from the briny deep. It knows no fear. It only knows hunger. Above, it senses movement. Unnatural, regular movement. It speeds to the hunt.
It touches the movement. Suction cups the size of dinner paltes attach to the fibreglass, it pulls itself on board, seeking nourishment.
Actinic light sears its delicate eyes, a pressure wave implodes organs as a 750 grain lead slug blows a hole in the predator that God could drive a 18-wheeler through. Brass chimes gently on the deck as buzz_knox reloads the LAR Big Boar .50. "Damn," he mutters, "Who ordered the calamari?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shower runs in the background. There is a man walking through the bedroom, slowly he advances toward the shower. The door opens. runt_of_the_litter walks out of the bathroom in a robe. With bunny slippers. Tactical bunny slippers.
The man raises a butcher knife. Drawing out the terror, he sidles towards her.
She pulls a pistol from the pocket of the robe, points it at Mr. Bates. "You better be room service."
Norman Bates drops the knife. Falls to the floor. Sobs for mommy as he sucks his thumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The giant alligator has been terrorizing the lake for days. Bunnyhuggers and their ilk run around in circles, their brains totally frozen by the fact that Nature will actually kick your teeth in, and enjoy doing it.
Into the confusion drives Skunkabilly. Climbing into an alligator-proof tree, he loads his 'Gator fish pole (AR15 w/ underslung 40mm grenade launcher) and begins methodically lobbing HEDP rounds into the lake. Soon the gator, stunned into insensibility by the explosions, staggers onto shore, whereupon the ever-tactical Skunk hoses 127 5.56mm AP rounds (and two 40mm HEDP) into its prostrate, scaly carcass. The gator dies messily, the bunny-huggers have coronaries, and the Skunk goes home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The genetically-engineered giant dinosaurs are running amuck. A PeTA Member, having infiltrated the the hunting party sent to dispose the creatures, has cunningly unloaded all the rifles in the party. When the dinosaurs attack, the party is decimated, with the only survivors being Art Eatman and the bunny-hugger -- said bunny-hugger having gotten tied to a stake, while Art uses him as dino-bait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tamara is making popcorn, when the phone rings. As she answers the phone, some nutbar in a black robe and a Hallowe'en mask jumps up from behind the couch. 10 rounds out of Tam's Glock 29, and the nut bar is a spreading red stain on her carpet. His equally nutty brother leaps out of hiding! He will avenge his pyscho siblings death!
Unfortunately, Tam has reloaded, and Twin bites the biscuit alongside his rapidly-cooling brother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The axe bites into the door, ripping a hole in one panel. The maniac puts his face into the hole, cackling gleefully, "Here's Johnny...erk."
"And here's Smith and Wesson," murmurs Coronach, Mozambiquing six rounds of .357 into the critter at a range of three feet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel better now.

LawDog

Preacherman · November 2, 2002, 08:32 PM

"Tactical bunny slippers"...

Why, Runt, I'd never have believed it of you! Nice one, Lawdog...

**Mike Irwin** · November 2, 2002, 08:49 PM

Hum...

It would appear that the Widow Olsen was handing out moldy popcorn balls again, and LawDog ate his...

He should stop tripping in a day or two...

Ceol Mhor · November 2, 2002, 09:24 PM

Hehehehe...

Oleg Volk · November 2, 2002, 09:29 PM

attached is a picture of one. Happy end, though...Oleg escaped it.

Betty · November 2, 2002, 09:33 PM

Hello Kitty..... I have a really good desktop picture of Hello Kitty gunning down her playmates with a purple MP5.

http://www.olegvolk.net/sanrio.jpg

spark@onestopknifeshop.com · November 2, 2002, 10:16 PM

It's a Ring's MFG Blue Gun - inert trainer used for training. No moving parts. Just FYI

**4V50 Gary** · November 2, 2002, 10:21 PM

Ian - none of our members would ever do that, would they?

Betty · November 2, 2002, 10:24 PM

Quote:

It's a Ring's MFG Blue Gun - inert trainer used for training. No moving parts. Just FYI

Ummm... no. It's Oleg's photo of this HK here:

that I Photoshopped purple. It may appear blue on your screen, but it's purple. I created the desktop pic.

And Oleg, since you're posting your nightmare ex, here's mine:
http://www.olegvolk.net/runt_pics/psychoex.jpg

priv8ter · November 2, 2002, 10:26 PM

Can't be Lovecraft...you never once mentioned Chthulha. Besides, if facing a creature from the Necronmicon, I feel I would probably save the last shell for myself.

Coronach · November 2, 2002, 10:52 PM

As Johnny, newly ventilated, slides messily to the floor, Coronach backpeddles and assumes a position of cover. Out comes a speedloader, and the Smith and Wesson M-28 is reloaded and back on target before the brass stops tinkling on the tiles. He watches the body for a few moments to make sure it doesn't suddenly re-animate (he's seen that B-movie before), then he releases his two-hand hold on the weapon to retrieve his cell-phone. He flips it open adroitly, still keeping his gaze on the slowly cooling corpse before him.

"Yes. KS Freeman, please.

"KS? Hey buddy. Yeah, go ahead and cash the check. I'll take it."

Mike

PS Inside joke. Sorry.

PPS Lawdog, I just spit Sierra Nevada Pale Ale all over my keyboard. Thanks, buddy.

Monkeyleg · November 2, 2002, 10:54 PM

For almost three years I've studied LawDogSpeak, in the hope of being able to master reading the language.

Now I realize that it will be at least another decade before I can decipher the nuances.

But, tactical bunny slippers I do understand.

(Well, I understand what they are. Don't wear them...I mean, you know...)

citizen · November 2, 2002, 11:16 PM

MORE!!!!!

MORE!!!!!!

Al Thompson · November 2, 2002, 11:22 PM

If LD would simply stop buying the week old bread or remove the green stuff prior to ingestion, these out of body trips would cease...

Though, Art would have the bunny hugger tied to a stake.. Or as steaks.....

Ed Brunner · November 2, 2002, 11:26 PM

Sam shot him/it between the tentacles?

GO Sam!!!

Coronach · November 2, 2002, 11:29 PM

What was FUD doing in Skunkabilly's movie?

Mike

BMWGS80 · November 3, 2002, 09:53 AM

CHTHULHA saves...he might get hungry later

Bumper sticker on my 4X

Cheers, and thanks for the visuals.

ts

**Art Eatman** · November 3, 2002, 11:46 AM

I dunno. I ain't so sure a self-respecting dinosaur would eat one of those pitiful PETA people. PETA people are the homo-sap equivalent of cauliflower...

Might well stomp on one, though. (Wishful thinking strikes again!)

, Art

Libertarian · November 3, 2002, 11:58 AM

Lawdog strapped on his gun belt. He pinned his badge to his Mickey Mouse shirt as he prepared for another night battling the children of Chthulhu.

MarineTech · November 3, 2002, 12:34 PM

Here's a bit of Hello Kitty for the Wargaming fans

gburner · November 3, 2002, 12:55 PM

Halloween's come and gone already???

I still have kid's chained in the crawlspace from last year!!!!

Bogie · November 4, 2002, 11:24 AM

I'm disappointed.

Not a single mention of a mall ninja.

buzz_knox · November 4, 2002, 12:22 PM

My movie is factually incorrect. As a Tennessee native, I'd be using a Barrett or a Ma Deuce.

buzz_knox · November 4, 2002, 12:39 PM

It was quiet in the mall, tonight. Too quiet. As the Mall Ninja patrolled through the shopping mall in his golf cart, he noticed that the masses were more placid than normal. In fact, they were shuffling along with eyes fixed solidly ahead. Most alarming, they weren't even looking at the sale signs!

He stopped and lept out. Actually, he stumbled out, briefly struggling as the suppressed G35 in the tactical drop holster got trapped in the door frame. Once freed, he walked as briskly as his Level III armor, titanium backplate, and suppressed HK G3A4 would allow. Approaching one patron, he noticed a series of long, thin tendrils around the neck, and blood trickling from behind the head. Moving rapidly, he noticed a squid like creature cradling against the head, much as he cradled his Dupont girlfriend at night. Realizing that this was the infamous brainsucker spoken off in the Mall Ninja manual, he drew his HK and began to shoot the creatures off the back of the patrons' head, so as to return them to their shopping activities. Unfortunately, his aim was a wee bit off, resulting in more than one "blue on blue." As he focused on the threats ahead of him, he failed to notice the creature stalking up behind him until much too late. His last thoughts were of the searing pain in the back of his skull, and the fact that without him to safeguard the mall, capitalism would fail. The brain sucker, for its part, thought that this was a paltry meal, and moved off to the new target who had just entered the mall.

Tamara, the Valkyrie-Amazon goddess of TFL, had come to the mall on one of her rare shopping excursions that didn't involve guns, ammo, or Hoppe's. Seeing the the creature moving towards her, her hands flashed to the Springfield Professional holstered at her hip, quickly dispatching it. As more of the creatures advanced towards her, she thought "Damn, what's with all the squids? I haven't seen this many since the last Tailhook convention!" Realizing that she was being surrounded, she went John Woo on their collective butts. With the 1911 in one hand, the P7M8 in the other, she waded into their midst. When the last shot was fired, and the last dove had flown, only Tamara was left standing. As she turned and walked towards the exit, she spotted the mall ninja lying nearby. Looking at the corpse of he who had given his all for the mall, she had but one thought: "he won't be needing that cool gear anymore, and I'd hate for it to go to waste."

November 2, 2002, 08:29 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,205	HP Lovecraft never posted on TFL. Yes, Ladles and Germs, the Annual Mutt Horror-a-Thon has come and gone once again. 8 hours of the worst, err, best, horror movies ever to come out of Hollywierd, and I gotta purge my system yet again. So... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The writing is High Thangarian, a language that was dead and lost when the Atlanteans were still picking fleas and peeling fruit with their toes." "Oh my God, Edgar! What will we do? How will we read it?" "I used the Internet." "Oxford? Smithsonian? The Illuminati?" "No, actually a website called 'The Firing Line'. Man there named CR Sam speakes High Thangarian. " "Oh." "Fluently. He insulted Yog Soggoth. In three words or less." "Insulted It. Edgar, we're doomed!" "Not for another three thousand years. Sam parted Yoggy's tentacles with one shot from a .44, then kicked him back through the gate. Told him to 'git along' before Sam got really irritated." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It rises from the briny deep. It knows no fear. It only knows hunger. Above, it senses movement. Unnatural, regular movement. It speeds to the hunt. It touches the movement. Suction cups the size of dinner paltes attach to the fibreglass, it pulls itself on board, seeking nourishment. Actinic light sears its delicate eyes, a pressure wave implodes organs as a 750 grain lead slug blows a hole in the predator that God could drive a 18-wheeler through. Brass chimes gently on the deck as buzz_knox reloads the LAR Big Boar .50. "Damn," he mutters, "Who ordered the calamari?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The shower runs in the background. There is a man walking through the bedroom, slowly he advances toward the shower. The door opens. runt_of_the_litter walks out of the bathroom in a robe. With bunny slippers. Tactical bunny slippers. The man raises a butcher knife. Drawing out the terror, he sidles towards her. She pulls a pistol from the pocket of the robe, points it at Mr. Bates. "You better be room service." Norman Bates drops the knife. Falls to the floor. Sobs for mommy as he sucks his thumb. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The giant alligator has been terrorizing the lake for days. Bunnyhuggers and their ilk run around in circles, their brains totally frozen by the fact that Nature will actually kick your teeth in, and enjoy doing it. Into the confusion drives Skunkabilly. Climbing into an alligator-proof tree, he loads his 'Gator fish pole (AR15 w/ underslung 40mm grenade launcher) and begins methodically lobbing HEDP rounds into the lake. Soon the gator, stunned into insensibility by the explosions, staggers onto shore, whereupon the ever-tactical Skunk hoses 127 5.56mm AP rounds (and two 40mm HEDP) into its prostrate, scaly carcass. The gator dies messily, the bunny-huggers have coronaries, and the Skunk goes home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The genetically-engineered giant dinosaurs are running amuck. A PeTA Member, having infiltrated the the hunting party sent to dispose the creatures, has cunningly unloaded all the rifles in the party. When the dinosaurs attack, the party is decimated, with the only survivors being Art Eatman and the bunny-hugger -- said bunny-hugger having gotten tied to a stake, while Art uses him as dino-bait. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tamara is making popcorn, when the phone rings. As she answers the phone, some nutbar in a black robe and a Hallowe'en mask jumps up from behind the couch. 10 rounds out of Tam's Glock 29, and the nut bar is a spreading red stain on her carpet. His equally nutty brother leaps out of hiding! He will avenge his pyscho siblings death! Unfortunately, Tam has reloaded, and Twin bites the biscuit alongside his rapidly-cooling brother. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The axe bites into the door, ripping a hole in one panel. The maniac puts his face into the hole, cackling gleefully, "Here's Johnny...erk." "And here's Smith and Wesson," murmurs Coronach, Mozambiquing six rounds of .357 into the critter at a range of three feet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel better now. LawDog __________________ "The Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer." --The 13th Warrior Bona na Croin The LawDog Files

November 2, 2002, 08:49 PM	#3
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 21,782	Hum... It would appear that the Widow Olsen was handing out moldy popcorn balls again, and LawDog ate his... He should stop tripping in a day or two... __________________ Coworkers. A convenient source of food in a post apocalyptic world.

November 2, 2002, 09:24 PM	#4
Ceol Mhor Senior Member Join Date: October 24, 2001 Posts: 1,024	Hehehehe... __________________ "There goes as if deranged a German soldier, with burning helmet on his head, making horrible noises. A second, as though possessed, yells "Jews...weapons. Jews...weapons." - From an anonymous eyewitness' description of the first battle of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising

November 2, 2002, 10:16 PM	#7
spark@onestopknifeshop.com Wise Guy Join Date: October 10, 1998 Posts: 666	It's a Ring's MFG Blue Gun - inert trainer used for training. No moving parts. Just FYI __________________ Kevin Jon Schlossberg Owner, BladeForums.com www.bladeforums.com

November 2, 2002, 10:21 PM	#8
4V50 Gary Staff Join Date: November 2, 1998 Location: California Posts: 13,263	Ian - none of our members would ever do that, would they? __________________ Vigilantibus et non dormientibus jura subveniunt. *Molon Labe!*

November 2, 2002, 08:32 PM	#2
Preacherman Senior Member Join Date: July 9, 2002 Posts: 795	"Tactical bunny slippers"... Why, Runt, I'd never have believed it of you! Nice one, Lawdog...

November 2, 2002, 09:33 PM	#6
Betty Senior Member Join Date: March 22, 2000 Location: southern U.S. Posts: 1,774	Hello Kitty..... I have a really good desktop picture of Hello Kitty gunning down her playmates with a purple MP5. http://www.olegvolk.net/sanrio.jpg

November 2, 2002, 10:26 PM	#10
priv8ter Senior Member Join Date: February 27, 2002 Location: Silverdale, Wa Posts: 359	Nope Can't be Lovecraft...you never once mentioned Chthulha. Besides, if facing a creature from the Necronmicon, I feel I would probably save the last shell for myself. __________________ "Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to make your second shot perfect" "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity" -Lazerus Long

November 2, 2002, 10:52 PM	#11
Coronach Senior Member Join Date: March 25, 1999 Posts: 3,151	As Johnny, newly ventilated, slides messily to the floor, Coronach backpeddles and assumes a position of cover. Out comes a speedloader, and the Smith and Wesson M-28 is reloaded and back on target before the brass stops tinkling on the tiles. He watches the body for a few moments to make sure it doesn't suddenly re-animate (he's seen that B-movie before), then he releases his two-hand hold on the weapon to retrieve his cell-phone. He flips it open adroitly, still keeping his gaze on the slowly cooling corpse before him. "Yes. KS Freeman, please. "KS? Hey buddy. Yeah, go ahead and cash the check. I'll take it." Mike PS Inside joke. Sorry. PPS Lawdog, I just spit Sierra Nevada Pale Ale all over my keyboard. Thanks, buddy. __________________ The axe bites into the door, ripping a hole in one panel. The maniac puts his face into the hole, cackling gleefully, "Here's Johnny...erk." "And here's Smith and Wesson," murmurs Coronach, Mozambiquing six rounds of .357 into the critter at a range of three feet. -Lawdog "True pacifism is the finest form of manliness. But if a man comes up to you and cuts your hand off, you don't just offer him the other one. Not if you want to go on playing the piano, you don't." -Sam Peckinpah "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -Robert Heinlein Last edited by Coronach; November 3, 2002 at 12:04 AM.

November 2, 2002, 10:54 PM	#12
Monkeyleg Senior Member Join Date: January 25, 2000 Posts: 4,621	For almost three years I've studied LawDogSpeak, in the hope of being able to master reading the language. Now I realize that it will be at least another decade before I can decipher the nuances. But, tactical bunny slippers I do understand. (Well, I understand what they are. Don't wear them...I mean, you know...) __________________ Eotech Sights, Hunting Rangefinders Crimson Trace, Bushnell Scopes Remington Rifles, Smith and Wesson revolvers Beretta Pistols, Kimber, ACOG sights

November 2, 2002, 11:16 PM	#13
citizen Senior Member Join Date: September 12, 2000 Posts: 801	MORE!!!!! MORE!!!!!! __________________ ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM NRA, GOA, AOC Ignorance can be cured, Stupid is forever Life is too short for dial-up

November 2, 2002, 11:22 PM	#14
Al Thompson Staff Alumnus Join Date: May 2, 1999 Location: South Carolina Posts: 3,521	It's the mold.... If LD would simply stop buying the week old bread or remove the green stuff prior to ingestion, these out of body trips would cease... Though, Art would have the bunny hugger tied to a stake.. Or as steaks..... __________________ "MOLON LABE!" “Are you guys ready? Let’s roll.” Todd Beamer, age 32, on United Airlines flt 93, somewhere over Pennsylvania.

November 2, 2002, 11:26 PM	#15
Ed Brunner Senior Member Join Date: October 11, 1998 Location: Natchez, MS, USA Posts: 2,574	Sam shot him/it between the tentacles? GO Sam!!! __________________ MOLON LABE UNTIL IT'S OVER! Ed

November 2, 2002, 11:29 PM	#16
Coronach Senior Member Join Date: March 25, 1999 Posts: 3,151	What was FUD doing in Skunkabilly's movie? Mike __________________ The axe bites into the door, ripping a hole in one panel. The maniac puts his face into the hole, cackling gleefully, "Here's Johnny...erk." "And here's Smith and Wesson," murmurs Coronach, Mozambiquing six rounds of .357 into the critter at a range of three feet. -Lawdog "True pacifism is the finest form of manliness. But if a man comes up to you and cuts your hand off, you don't just offer him the other one. Not if you want to go on playing the piano, you don't." -Sam Peckinpah "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -Robert Heinlein

November 3, 2002, 09:53 AM	#17
BMWGS80 Senior Member Join Date: April 15, 1999 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 288	CHTHULHA saves...he might get hungry later Bumper sticker on my 4X Cheers, and thanks for the visuals. ts __________________ Everyone should be given a Bible, a boyscout manual and a Swiss Army knife at birth. All life's problems can be solved with these tools.

November 3, 2002, 11:46 AM	#18
Art Eatman Staff Join Date: November 13, 1998 Location: Terlingua, TX, USA Posts: 16,803	I dunno. I ain't so sure a self-respecting dinosaur would eat one of those pitiful PETA people. PETA people are the homo-sap equivalent of cauliflower... Might well stomp on one, though. (Wishful thinking strikes again!) , Art __________________ "You're from BATFE? Hey, great! I use all your fine products!"

November 3, 2002, 11:58 AM	#19
Libertarian Senior Member Join Date: October 26, 1999 Location: San Antonio, Texas Posts: 2,123	Lawdog strapped on his gun belt. He pinned his badge to his Mickey Mouse shirt as he prepared for another night battling the children of Chthulhu. __________________ "Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom." JFK My other favorite forum is The Armed Citizen My PGP key is 0x780B7C0A

November 3, 2002, 12:55 PM	#21
gburner Senior Member Join Date: September 23, 2001 Location: at the intersection of naivete and cynicism Posts: 1,366	Halloween's come and gone already??? I still have kid's chained in the crawlspace from last year!!!! __________________ 'You don't like guns? What other common household tools do you have an irrational loathing for?'

November 4, 2002, 11:24 AM	#22
Bogie Senior Member Join Date: June 5, 2000 Location: St. Louis, Misery Posts: 3,763	I'm disappointed. Not a single mention of a mall ninja. __________________ Resume available upon request www.stickertramp.com

November 4, 2002, 12:22 PM	#23
buzz_knox Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Knoxville, in the Free State of Tennesse Posts: 4,194	My movie is factually incorrect. As a Tennessee native, I'd be using a Barrett or a Ma Deuce.

November 4, 2002, 12:39 PM	#24
buzz_knox Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Knoxville, in the Free State of Tennesse Posts: 4,194	Since Bogie asked It was quiet in the mall, tonight. Too quiet. As the Mall Ninja patrolled through the shopping mall in his golf cart, he noticed that the masses were more placid than normal. In fact, they were shuffling along with eyes fixed solidly ahead. Most alarming, they weren't even looking at the sale signs! He stopped and lept out. Actually, he stumbled out, briefly struggling as the suppressed G35 in the tactical drop holster got trapped in the door frame. Once freed, he walked as briskly as his Level III armor, titanium backplate, and suppressed HK G3A4 would allow. Approaching one patron, he noticed a series of long, thin tendrils around the neck, and blood trickling from behind the head. Moving rapidly, he noticed a squid like creature cradling against the head, much as he cradled his Dupont girlfriend at night. Realizing that this was the infamous brainsucker spoken off in the Mall Ninja manual, he drew his HK and began to shoot the creatures off the back of the patrons' head, so as to return them to their shopping activities. Unfortunately, his aim was a wee bit off, resulting in more than one "blue on blue." As he focused on the threats ahead of him, he failed to notice the creature stalking up behind him until much too late. His last thoughts were of the searing pain in the back of his skull, and the fact that without him to safeguard the mall, capitalism would fail. The brain sucker, for its part, thought that this was a paltry meal, and moved off to the new target who had just entered the mall. Tamara, the Valkyrie-Amazon goddess of TFL, had come to the mall on one of her rare shopping excursions that didn't involve guns, ammo, or Hoppe's. Seeing the the creature moving towards her, her hands flashed to the Springfield Professional holstered at her hip, quickly dispatching it. As more of the creatures advanced towards her, she thought "Damn, what's with all the squids? I haven't seen this many since the last Tailhook convention!" Realizing that she was being surrounded, she went John Woo on their collective butts. With the 1911 in one hand, the P7M8 in the other, she waded into their midst. When the last shot was fired, and the last dove had flown, only Tamara was left standing. As she turned and walked towards the exit, she spotted the mall ninja lying nearby. Looking at the corpse of he who had given his all for the mall, she had but one thought: "he won't be needing that cool gear anymore, and I'd hate for it to go to waste."