On the Lighter Side

John/az2 · October 6, 1999, 12:09 PM

From an e-mail:

IDIOTS AT WORK... I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

------------------
John/az

"The middle of the road between the extremes of good and evil, is evil. When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA!

www.quixtar.com
referal #2005932

TR · October 6, 1999, 12:57 PM

At a fast food place that shall remain nameless (actually it has happened at more than one restaraunt in more than one chain) they have both, a quarter pound hamburger, and a quarter pound cheeseburger on the menu.

Me: I would like a Quarter pound Cheeseburger with Catsup (or Ketchup) and mustard only

THem: WOuld you like cheese on that, too?

ctdonath · October 6, 1999, 01:45 PM

Would you like cheese on that, too?

I went to a local pizza shop and ordered their featured specialty: "EBA - Everything But Anchovies".

Me: "One medium EBA."
Droid: "You want broccoli on that?"
Me: "uh, yeah. Everything But Anchovies."
Droid: "Olives?"
Me: "...uh, yeah..."
Droid: "Onions?"
Me: "The name of the thing is 'Everything But Anchovies'; that's what I want."
Droid: <twitching> "We actually get people in here who ask for 'Everything But Anchovies...hold the broccoli, olives, onions, peppers, etc.'."
Me: "Then it's not an EBA."
Droid: "Yup. People are wierd."

bauldy · October 6, 1999, 02:34 PM

When I bought my last shotgun, the clerk told me the person on the drivers licence wasn't me. I showed her my ccw permit(which was renewed less than two monthe ago). She then said "The guy in the pictures looks like a mean guy, you don't look mean. Thats not you." I took off my hat and gave her a very mean look and told her "if you waited in line for four hours at the Dept. of Safety, even though you had an appointment, you would look mad too." The clerk said "Well... I guess that could be you."

Bruce in West Oz · October 6, 1999, 07:09 PM

True story ...

At the State Championships weekend before last, shooting Centrefire prone at 100 metres.

A shooter, only a little bloke, calls the Range Officer over to complain "something was wrong" with his rifle. Six shots fired -- no holes in the target!!

"Fire another round for me," says the RO.

Wham!

Big shower of dirt from the 25-yard mound!

His arms were short, and he shot from a v-e-r-y low prone resting position -- and through the scope couldn't see the rounds hitting the mound.

Gave him 7 extra rounds and shifted him down the line to where there was a slight "dip" in the 25-metre line.

His rifle started working again!

B

John/az2 · October 9, 1999, 12:44 AM

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

------------------
John/az

"The middle of the road between the extremes of good and evil, is evil. When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA!

George Hill · October 9, 1999, 02:17 AM

John - You made me blow MT DEW outta my nose!

------------------
I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

marsh · October 9, 1999, 11:16 PM

John-

Your story struck a chord. My wife very recently baked a ton of chocolate chip cookies for after the funeral of our 84 year old nextdoor neighbor lady who passed after an extremmely long and painful illness.

marsh

October 6, 1999, 12:09 PM	#1
John/az2 Senior Member Join Date: February 18, 1999 Location: Arizona Posts: 2,754	From an e-mail: IDIOTS AT WORK... I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side." ------------------ John/az "The middle of the road between the extremes of good and evil, is evil. When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA! www.quixtar.com referal #2005932

October 6, 1999, 12:57 PM	#2
TR Senior Member Join Date: July 21, 1999 Posts: 186	At a fast food place that shall remain nameless (actually it has happened at more than one restaraunt in more than one chain) they have both, a quarter pound hamburger, and a quarter pound cheeseburger on the menu. Me: I would like a Quarter pound Cheeseburger with Catsup (or Ketchup) and mustard only THem: WOuld you like cheese on that, too?

October 6, 1999, 01:45 PM	#3
ctdonath Senior Member Join Date: April 11, 1999 Posts: 1,912	Would you like cheese on that, too? I went to a local pizza shop and ordered their featured specialty: "EBA - Everything But Anchovies". Me: "One medium EBA." Droid: "You want broccoli on that?" Me: "uh, yeah. Everything But Anchovies." Droid: "Olives?" Me: "...uh, yeah..." Droid: "Onions?" Me: "The name of the thing is 'Everything But Anchovies'; that's what I want." Droid: <twitching> "We actually get people in here who ask for 'Everything But Anchovies...hold the broccoli, olives, onions, peppers, etc.'." Me: "Then it's not an EBA." Droid: "Yup. People are wierd."

October 6, 1999, 02:34 PM	#4
bauldy Member Join Date: January 7, 1999 Location: Tennessee Posts: 23	When I bought my last shotgun, the clerk told me the person on the drivers licence wasn't me. I showed her my ccw permit(which was renewed less than two monthe ago). She then said "The guy in the pictures looks like a mean guy, you don't look mean. Thats not you." I took off my hat and gave her a very mean look and told her "if you waited in line for four hours at the Dept. of Safety, even though you had an appointment, you would look mad too." The clerk said "Well... I guess that could be you."

October 6, 1999, 07:09 PM	#5
Bruce in West Oz Senior Member Join Date: February 17, 1999 Location: Western Australia Posts: 997	True story ... At the State Championships weekend before last, shooting Centrefire prone at 100 metres. A shooter, only a little bloke, calls the Range Officer over to complain "something was wrong" with his rifle. Six shots fired -- no holes in the target!! "Fire another round for me," says the RO. Wham! Big shower of dirt from the 25-yard mound! His arms were short, and he shot from a v-e-r-y low prone resting position -- and through the scope couldn't see the rounds hitting the mound. Gave him 7 extra rounds and shifted him down the line to where there was a slight "dip" in the 25-metre line. His rifle started working again! B

October 9, 1999, 12:44 AM	#6
John/az2 Senior Member Join Date: February 18, 1999 Location: Arizona Posts: 2,754	An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral." ------------------ John/az "The middle of the road between the extremes of good and evil, is evil. When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA!

October 9, 1999, 02:17 AM	#7
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: Lapoint, Utah Posts: 11,479	John - You made me blow MT DEW outta my nose! ------------------ I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

October 9, 1999, 11:16 PM	#8
marsh Senior Member Join Date: May 12, 1999 Location: New Mexico Posts: 126	John- Your story struck a chord. My wife very recently baked a ton of chocolate chip cookies for after the funeral of our 84 year old nextdoor neighbor lady who passed after an extremmely long and painful illness. marsh