The Best of 'Yo Mama So Tactical'

[HKguy9]

From various ar15.com and TFL members. Took out the dirty stuff (OK I was guilty, too) even though a lot were great but tasteless (mostly the AR15.com guys)

YO MAMA SO TACTICAL...

…she don't cut the cheese...she slices the pie.
…when someone says 'hoedown' she be gettin' behind solid cover.
…when she flashes...she dashes.
…she be wearing drop-leg nylons...holsters that is.
…when she passes gas, she also pass flashbangs.
…when someone says "Dass da bomb", she be callin' in EOD.
…when's she 'stacked', she be the one in front with the 870 breaching shotgun.
…she put a fore-end grip on her vacuum cleaner.
…she parkerized the minivan.
…her bra got Fastex buckles instead of a hook.
…she only put Thunder Ranch dressing on her salad.
…your name be John Connor.
…when you had the flu, she gave you a cough suppressor.
…your sister's name Tennifer, not Jennifer.
…after two cups of coffee she be takin’ a +P, and after three cups, she be takin’ a +P+.
…when she sit around the house, she set up a perimeter and call in a negotiator.
…when she say ‘dust off the furniture’, she mean ‘call in a rescue chopper for the sofa’.
…when she ‘take the kids to practice’, she mean ‘junior IDPA’.
…she got a Sure-Fire mounted on the broom, and she got a lanyard on it, too.
…she wake up in the morning, rappels downstairs and interdicts breakfast.
…she don't wear curlers to bed, she wear night vision goggles.
… she don’t have children, she have ‘team members’.
…her wedding dress be made of Nomex.
…when she wanna make a hot casserole, she load it up with C4.
…her kitty use #6 shot in her litter box.
…she ‘insert’ the kids at school, and ‘extract’ them in the afternoon.
…she serve mashed potatos and +p's.
…her vacuum cleaner has a silencer.
…she wear a ghillie suit when she garden.
…if a jar too tight, she pop it open with det-cord.
…when she lay down the law, she really means a LAW!
…when she takes a belt to your butt, it's a Mitch Rosen!
…she make Jello out of ballistic gelatin.
…she don't carry house keys...she carry dynamic entry tools.
…when she go to the opera, she don't bring binoculars, she bring a Leupold spotting scope.
…she don't only drink Coke...she drink Heckler...and Koch!
…her lingerie is in Realtree.
…the car still on fire from the time it broke down and she TOW’ed it.
…her teeth have blasting caps.
…her business suits are all full metal jacket, she wear a size 9mm, her bra size be 38+P and her shoes be double taps.
…the only magazines she reads are hi-caps.
…at dinner everyone drinks from their own Camelbak.
…her bedroom slippers have Vibram soles.
…her car run on tear gas.
…she don’t download MP3s, she download MP5s.
…her cake mixer have a polymer frame and Pierce extension.
…she drive a Hummer because they wouldn't sell her a tank.
…when the school bus pulls up, she holler, “Stand in the door! Green light, GO! GO! GO!”
…she have a Bouncing Betty for a door knocker.
…she have a berm around yo yard instead of a fence.
…when yo Daddy come home, she don't ask him about his day, she debrief him.
…when she order Chinese take-out, it's Norinco.
…her minivan have sandbags on the floorboards.
…she have Hogues on her spatula.
…she have an accessory rail on her iron.
…she keep her broom low ready.
…she got a load bearing apron.
…she got a one-handed folding spatula with a point down pocket clip.
…she cook with CLP!
…she have 3MOA bifocals.
…she put Glock-a-mole on her fish tacos.
…she told you babies are deployed from the back of a C130 Hercules, not the stork.
…she carry a Dustbuster in Condition 1.
…she re-zero her sewing machine.
…she spank you with an ASP.
…she post on AR15.com!
…she surrounds her garden with concertina and razor wire.
…she no longer able to cross the California state line.
…she low-crawl to the mailbox!
…she uses a Dillon Precision 550B to can tomatoes.
…‘collapsible stock’ mean it's time to sell.
…she got tip-off red filters on yo night lights!
…she thinks a stove pipe jam is when Santa get stuck.
…she makes you take alternate routes to school.
…she swat flies in tactical sequence.

[El Rojo]

I still crack up when I read these. Who thought these up? My new personal favorite...

…she no longer able to cross the California state line. The sad, sad state of affairs here in the PRK.

[Dave R]

Definitely one of the top funnies on TFL.

[Incursion]

Funny stuff!

[Calamity Jane]

HEE HEE!! I loved that thread.

[HKguy9]

Oh yeah?

Well YO mama so tactical, yo backyard swingset got an SPIE rig....