Top things to do when joining a scientific Spec Ops team (long)

[VaughnT]

I refuse to go into the underground research facility, deep-space research facility, deep-sea research facility, radio-blacked out colony, derelict alien ship, or abandoned ghost ship.

If forced into attempting any of the above six missions, I will go AWOL. Prison showers are almost certainly preferable to what awaits.

I will carry more than one gun and carry as many as humanly possible.

In line with above, I will carry more than one mag per gun. I have a belt, and intend to fill it.

If the hallways of the operations area are big enough to allow it, I will bring along a small field artillery piece.

No matter what my CO says, if my job is to plant a nuclear device to destroy the facility/ship, it is not necessary for me to endanger my life by traveling to the center of the structure to plant the bomb, I'm sure the entrance will prove just as effective.

If my job is to disable the AI system that runs the facility/ship, and this requires me to go to the center of the structure, I will just plant a small nuclear device at the entrance. If the blast doesn't get it, the EMP will.

If my body armor proves ineffective against whatever killed everyone in the facility/ship, I will ditch it and use the saved weight to carry more guns.

If the body armor is ineffective and so are the guns, I will ditch both and set a new track record on my way out of the ops area.

I refuse to wear any helmet that restricts my peripheral vision and does not allow me to see something rising up/dropping down right beside me.

I will request a helmet that has a small HUD linked to a camera on the back of my helmet. An additional HUD linked to a upward-pointing top mounted camera would be nice as well.

If going into some top secret facility that has lost radio communication with the outside world, I will make damn sure that I am in possession of a high quality, up to date map that will not be rendered unreadable by contact with liquid.

If I could not obtain a map, and am lost/trapped in the facility, I will not rely on the unstable, homicidal central AI to provide me with escape routes.

If I am inside a facility/ship after the stuff has hit the fan, and find myself without a map, I will head to the nearest computer terminal and consult Yahoo! Maps. The facility was built by a corporation or the government, and they can certainly afford an Internet connection.

If there is a self-destruct mechanism or impenetrable blast doors set on a running timer within the building/ship I am ordered to enter, I will guard the entrances until the timer runs out, then leave. The problem will take care of itself eventually, so there is no need to risk myself.

If mine is not the first team to be sent into the area, I will take a little time off to wonder why.

If the music suddenly gets really creepy, start spinning around with your finger on the trigger. Whoever was guarding your back is probably gone by this point anyway.

Before I go on each mission, I will rent Aliens, Resident Evil, Event Horizon, and other similar movies for pointers. I will defer the costs as "training expenses".

If there is something dripping from the ceiling up ahead, I won't bother to check if it's just water. I will leave the area immediately by the quickest available route.

If I hear odd noises, I will not be foolish enough to investigate it alone. I will take a friend or two with big guns.

If ordered to investigate the noise by my CO, I will take everyone else in the squad with me. By the time we return to where the CO was waiting, the problem will probably have solved itself.

If forced to walk underneath a hole in the ceiling, I will be cautious and investigate it thoroughly with high explosives.

If I hear odd noises coming from the ceiling, I will not lift up a panel and stick my head up to have a look around. I will lift up the panel and shove a grenade up there.

Similarly, if forced to pass a hole/grate in the walls or floor, I will throw a grenade in to make sure its clear now, and set proximity mines to make sure it is clear later.

Unless it is my last chance for survival, I will never go into any type of ventilation shaft. I know that whatever chased me up there will almost certainly be able to move faster than me in an enclosed space.

I will always take some sort of sword with me in addition to a multitude of projectile weapons. That way, when I run out of ammunition, and I will, I won't have to ineffectually slap at an opponent before being killed.

Knowingly entering a facility where illegal genetic research is being preformed would be consigning myself to death by stupidity. Therefore, I wouldn't enter, even if this entailed killing the rest of my team to avoid it.

I would never enter a dark room. I would throw in a handful of grenades and move on, assured that if anything is still alive in there, it isn't happy.

I wont make the mistake of shooting something with my smallest gun first, and then working my way up to larger firearms. I would start with my biggest gun, and if that didn't work, run like hell.

If sent off with only one companion, I would make sure it is someone I could outrun. That way, I can get away while whatever was chasing us chews on him.

If there are women on the team, I will never sleep with them right before a mission. One or the other of us will almost certainly not make it back, and I don't like 50/50 odds.

If a team-member disappears mysteriously for a long period of time and the just as mysteriously reappears, I will shoot them immediately and save myself a lot of trouble.

I will periodically look up. The importance of this can never be overstated.

If in a genetic research lab and there are lots of cages whose steel doors have been torn out, I will think about how much punishment those doors could take. Then I will think about how much punishment my frail human body can take. Then I will start thinking about where those exits were.

No matter how tempted, I will never deactivate the main power in a research facility. I know those doors are magnetically locked and electrified for a reason.

I will never deactivate the main computer in a facility. Even though its automated defenses may be slaughtering the rest of the team, they are still holding back whatever killed the original occupants.

I will stay away from any elevators. Nothing good ever comes from an elevator in these situations.

I will never negotiate with whatever is trying to kill my team. The dialogue will almost certainly be along the lines of "Me hungry, you food".

If one of my team-members gets bitten, cut, sprayed with, or otherwise exposed to a bio-agent, I will kill them immediately. They will only turn on me, and the antidote never works anyway.

The sexiest female will always make it out, mainly because she is surrounded by men who willingly throw themselves in the path of anything that attempts to harm her. I will stay close to that female, and when I am the last male left, I will throw her in the path of whatever is attempting to harm us.

I will make sure that when I finally exit from the ops area, I have conserved a decent amount of ammunition. Something always goes wrong during the escape.

If I find only one survivor from among 500 or so people, I will not trust them. They had to do something to survive the carnage that killed 500 people, and I don't think it was just run really fast.

I will make sure the team will under no circumstances split up. It never helps.

[VaughnT]

If upon arriving in the ops area I hear a lot of screams from inside or see a lot of obviously mutilated dead bodies, I will leave the ops area and come back later with back up and bigger guns.

I will train to keep my cool under pressure well enough to hit a head sized target at a range of 10 feet.

I will request that any ops team I am a part of be issued body armor with environmental resistance from things like fire, airborne viruses, and acid.

The aforementioned armor will have a reflective mirrored surface, to help with those pesky automated laser defenses.

If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at first glance does not appear human, appears vaguely human, or appears human. I will forgo taking the time for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead. Better safe than sorry.

If multiple survivors are found during the course of the mission, they will be given a gun and told to make themselves useful.

However, if these survivors created or want to study whatever depopulated the facility/ship, they will not be given guns as they cannot be trusted to use them at the crucial moment, due to their conflict of interests.

Between missions I will lobby for legislature to require all secret research facilities to have heavily stocked ammo dumps in easily accessible, well marked locations.

If my team is required to use motion detectors, they better be able to scan 360 degrees, not merely 90.

If the body count is currently over 500, I will politely inform my superiors that an 8 man operations team isn't going to cut it.

If any member of the team is prone to claustrophobia, diver's high, space-mania, or panic attacks, I will deliver a request to the CO that they be left behind, instead of just being given a pep talk.

If any member of the team proves to be a corporate/government spy, I will shoot them before anyone else can react, saving the trouble of taking them prisoner only so they can escape later and sabotage the mission.

I will recommend that any form of transportation we have be parked well away from the trouble spot, that the operator stays in it, and keeps the doors sealed until the team is standing outside and ready to leave.

If we have a spare transport I will recommend that we have a spare pilot as well, to save having to remote control fly the transport in if something happens to the first.

If any member of the team takes a revolver on the mission, I will take it from them, hand them an automatic, and then slap them silly for being so stupid.

I will ensure that all guns have perfectly calibrated laser sights, even if I must pay for them myself, as missing a headshot is inexcusable.

If the team gets out of an ops area and find we are missing a man, I will recommend we leave his ass. He should have kept up in the first place.

If our mission is to shut down a rogue AI, I will not discuss our plans in any room with a visible camera and/or audio pickup.

Screw shoulder-mounted flashlights, I'll carry night vision goggles even if the cost has to come out of my paycheck.

The same goes for little pen-lights. I will carry a 3 foot mag-lite with a halogen bulb. That way, not only do I get a huge flashlight range, it can double as a club in tight situations.

If low on ammunition, I won't hesitate to roll the bodies of my teammates for ammo. They certainly don't need it anymore.

If I learn that the beings we are fighting have acid for blood or that their blood contains some sort of bio-agent, I will make damn sure I am at least 15 feet away from any I shoot.

If my team possesses an APC, but it won't fit into the corridors of the ops area, I'll rectify the situation with explosives instead of going in on foot.

If my opponents use cloaking devices that short out upon contact with water, I will always carry a small super-soaker pistol with me.

If forced to pick a position within a facility to make a last stand, it will not be a room which can easily be breached by going above the ceiling or under the floor.

If I hear a low hissing or moaning directly behind me, I will take off running without thinking. Whatever it is, its first bite of me is going to be ass.

If anyone in the squad has a flamethrower, I will make sure everyone else is trained to instinctively duck whenever he even begins to turn around.

When the team's mission is to plant a bomb I will make sure we have more than one bomb, and more than one person who knows how to plant it.

If going into an area in where research in biological warfare was occurring, I will not remove my gas mask before entering the facility.

If there is a countdown to an explosion or the sealing off of the facility, I will set my watch timer 10 minutes ahead of that to give myself a margin of safety.

If any of the rescued or one of my team members starts to convulse and scream, I'll have the guy with the flamethrower hose them down and then move on. If it is the napalm guy I'll shoot the tank. Whatever made them do it, it wasn't a cramp.

If my team has heavy weaponry, I will not wait until there are only a few people left and we are surrounded to use them. I will use them as early and as often as possible.

Similarly, if I have a large ship in orbit over the planet, and find out that there are no survivors in a heavily infested area, I will call for an orbital bombardment of the hot zone.

If I hear odd noises coming from a grate nearby, I won't stare quizzically at it and shine a weak flashlight beam through the grate, I will immediately empty my current mag into the grate then kick it in and send a grenade into the tunnel.

If we have prisoners, and one of them is talking to me steadily in a calm voice while staring behind me, I will immediately dive to the side and roll to hose whatever was about to attack me. The same response if a team-member looks behind me with an expression of horror.

If I address a query to the guy that should be behind me, and receive no immediate response, I will immediately break into a dead run, dropping grenades along the way.

If I find that rooms marked on my map as dining halls turn out to be full of stasis chambers and odd piping instead, I will immediately leave the ops area and refuse to enter until I get a damn good explanation.

If we manage to ambush the enemy and I hear a high pitched beeping and it starts laughing, I will be smart enough to just start running, instead of searching it for the timer.

I will never walk through water any deeper than I can see down into. I won't walk in the water period if there is electric cabling nearby.

Any transports we bring into the ops area and intend to use to escape will have cameras on the outside to allow us to scan for unwanted guests.

Along the same line, the landing bay/pad we return to will have several large turrets to take care of any stowaways we miss.

I will point out to my superiors that if the corporation/government has enough money to fund an 8 man team, they have enough damn money to buy us a remote controlled robot with cameras that we can send in to scout the area first.

My favored method of advance down a dark corridor will be with a 5 man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in front, the second throwing a grenade, the third hauling a huge cart of ammo and explosives, the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth hosing down the corridor behind. Take five steps, repeat.

My favored method of advance down a well-lit corridor is the same but take ten steps and repeat.

If a cat comes flying out of a vent, scaring the **** out of me, I will unload a clip into the vent. Something scared the cat.

I will hold the belief that heavy breathing from the nearby darkness is not to be investigated. It is to be used for target practice.

Warning shots are for wusses. Fire is for effect.

If the other people with me have all disappeared, I won't bother wandering around the immediate area looking for them and yelling their names, peering into dark rooms.

When any member of my squad dies, I will have them hosed down with the flamethrower or plant a proximity mine on them. No use feeding or increasing the numbers of whatever is trying to kill us.

If I die on a mission, it will be because I snapped my neck trying to look everywhere at once.

[TimRB]

Another good thing to do before the mission is make sure your doctor and pharmacist are on the same page.

Tim

[jefnvk]

Someone has been playing too much Doom 3

[tc300mag1]

Too funny

[vertigo7]

Shouldn't "Under no circumstances will I or members of my team wear red shirts" be in there somewhere?

[grey_pilgrim]

Yes, it should.

In addition, bring one huge can of raid. You may need it.


YOu have these things to consider as well:

what if the enemies are supernatural? What you gonna do about them.


Make sure someone has something bigger than an m-4 or a shotgun loaded with double-ought buck.

If there's a ole experienced guy at something like this, he'll either save your life or turn out to be in league with the bad guys (maybe both) .

IF the chick is incredibly hot.. .run the other way.


Make sure someone has a flamethrower, make sure someone has some slap ammunition, make sure your getaway vehicle has plenty of security (a force-field is best), make sure you have another way out if your getaway vehicle gets axed and, above all, BE SURE TO LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!

[Handy]

None of the members of Science Ninja Team Gatchamon (also known as G-Force here in the states) would have made those blunders.

[para.2]

Gee...

That would sure make for some short movies!

"Nuke the place from orbit, it's the only way to be sure!"

"Fire one, fire two, fire three! We have high order detonation!"

"Let's head for home, it's miller time!"

[Tinker]

"If there is something dripping from the ceiling up ahead, I won't bother to check if it's just water. I will leave the area immediately by the quickest available route."

That's the best one of all! That and the "looking up at regular intervals" thing.

[Dfariswheel]

This sounds very much like the famous "Rules For Evil Overlords" that are on the net.

These included Rules For:
Evil Overlord's Henchmen
Evil Overlord's Troops
Evil Overlord's Beautiful But Evil Daughter
Heroes
Hero's Sidekicks
Hero's Love Interest
And, Ordinary By-stander's and Extras.

Here are my OWN:
RULES FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS WHO HAPPEN TO GET INVOLVED.

When confronted by the crazed bad guy and his henchmen, don’t timorously draw a small pistol and hold it at arm's length while shaking like a leaf.
He’ll laughingly snatch it out of your hand and proceed to humiliate you.
Pull out your .45 and shoot him GOOD.
It’ll wipe that insolent leer off his face, and will give his friends know you mean BUSINESS.

When the Evil Overlord takes an interest in you and your family, figure his henchmen will be kicking your door down soon.
First, call the police.
They absolutely LIVE for catching bad guys doing this sort of thing.
Second, be a big spender.
Invest a hundred bucks in a used 12 gauge pump shotgun.
When the Overlord’s thugs kick in your door, meet the first man (or monster) through the door with a load of 00 buckshot.
It’ll certainly give the others pause, and allow time for the police to show up.
Then sit back and enjoy the floor show as the police use nightsticks, blackjacks, sap gloves, and pepper spray to subdue the bad guys.

If you attend a meeting and the room is oddly lighted, murky, and appears to have haze limiting visibility like every monster movie you‘ve ever seen, inquire as to WHY they can’t afford adequate lighting and ventilation.
If their answer is "It adds atmosphere", LEAVE.

If you learn the Evil Overlord OR the Hero is interested in you, take a vacation. Go to Vegas until things are resolved.
99% of the time, you won’t want to be involved in their silly plots.

When you see cars involved in a high-speed chase, pull over to the curb.
Your insurance costs enough already.

If you hear strange sounds from your basement/garage/attic,
A. Call the police.
B. Get the hundred dollar shotgun and USE IT.

If you’re contacted by a sinister person or organization asking you to do something for a large sum of money, just say “no thanks”.
First you likely won’t survive, and second you’ll never collect after the Hero gets to them anyway.

If you’re threatened by the Evil Overlord, Satan, or some itinerant monster, remind them that this IS the USA.
We have a Second Amendment, and things like they propose to do are against the law.
They DO NOT want the Feds after them, nor do they want to meet the hundred dollar shotgun.

When faced by one of these numerous troublemakers, don’t cringe, don’t hide, don’t cower, don't back down, don't back water, and DON’T BEG.
SHOOT.
Shoot first, shoot last, shoot fast, shoot straight, shoot often, shoot them up, shoot them down, and above all else, shoot them GOOD.

When faced by a monster, inquire as to his qualifications. If he (it) is a high-class monster, you can deal appropriately with him.
If he’s a poseur, tell him to use the servant’s entrance. You’re under no obligation to waste your time with some second-rater.

If the Evil Overlord insists on making trouble for you, remind him that in doing so, he’s just hung a target on his OWN back.

If the Evil Overlord’s Beautiful But Evil Daughter makes a move on you, refuse her.
Beautiful but evil women don’t find ordinary men attractive, and she wants something from you.
If she brazenly offers sex, remember, you stood up in a church full of your friends and relatives and took an oath to your loving wife.
It ain’t worth it.
Evil Overlords, Demons, Satin's Spawn, Bog Creatures, Mass Murderers, Alien Killing Machines, and the Godfather look like the Bobbsey Twins compared to a wife that's been cheated on.

If you hear the roar of over-stressed, powerful car engines, the scream of sirens, and a crash in your front yard, get the hundred dollar shotgun ready.
You’ll be needing it shortly.

When threatened by the Evil Overlord, his henchmen or whatever monster is the monster dejour, calmly inform them that this is a Right To Carry State.
When they realize you’re armed, their eyes (however many they have) will get very big, and they’ll leave you alone.

When things do get serious, don’t hesitate.
Pump a couple of bullets into the ol’ boiler room.
You’ll be amazed how quickly the stressful situation is resolved.
Also the word quickly gets out through the Evil Overlord Network and the Monster’s Union so you’ll be left alone next time.

If you see someone being pushed into a large black car, it isn’t a drunk being assisted home; it’s a kidnapping.
Use your cell phone and call the police.
That’s why you bought it.

[Dfariswheel]

PART TWO:


If being pursued by bad guys, take no notice.
Let them drive at insane speeds, run stop lights, and in general act like it’s a demolition derby in Alabama.
The police will see, and quickly pull the bad guys over.
It’s only in the movies that wild car chases range throughout an entire downtown area without a cop in sight.

If being held in the back seat of a large black car, and the police pull them over, yell “GUN”.
This will get the police’s attention, and you’ll have a front row seat as two tough street cops shoot the s**t out of the bad guys.

If a member of your family is kidnapped by the Evil Overlord call the FBI.
They are extremely effective in dealing with kidnappers, and the EO will shortly find himself doing forever and two days in Fort Leavenworth Kansas under the Lindbergh Statute.

If you find yourself in possession of a strange artifact that glows with an unearthly light, call the EPA.
They’ll know what to do with it.

If you find yourself in possession of an artifact that the Evil Overlord and every other unsavory character in town is asking about, put it in your safety deposit box.
Get the hundred dollar shotgun ready.

Evil Overlords ARE lords.
However, as an American, you are as good as any Evil Overlord, emperor, king, sultan, potentate, president, El Supremo, or Galactic Conqueror who ever lived.
We don’t back water to any royal riffraff.
The hundred dollar shotgun works just as well on them as on any common bog creature.

When shooting monsters or bad guys, and the shots seem to have no effect, aim between their eyes. (However many they happen to have).
Godzilla on crack will go down like the Titanic, with a slug between the peepers.

Never trifle with Evil Overlords, Satan, monsters, or assorted bad guys.
These people are on your dime.
You are under no obligation to waste your time with their silly murder attempts, kidnappings, hunts for the Object of Ultimate Earth Shattering Power, or sales pitches.
If they become too persistent, there’s always the hundred dollar shotgun.

Some monsters are not overly affected by standard lead buckshot.
For these special occasions, dump the lead shot out, drop in a stack of real silver dimes, and top off with some nice minced garlic.
THAT’LL get their attention.

Don’t waste time listening to the Hero’s Sidekick’s jokes. You’ve heard them all before.

If the Hero’s Sidekick or True Love demand your help in rescuing the Hero from another of his incompetent cliff-hanging encounters with the Evil Overlord, suggest a call to 911.
They have an interesting unit called a SWAT team.
They are very adept at handling these kinds of things, and that’s why we pay taxes.

If the Evil Overlord threatens to use his vast fortune to ruin you, inquire as to his tax status.
He’ll turn white as a sheet and beg you to forget the whole thing.
Even Evil Overlords DO NOT want to mess with the IRS.
THOSE people are MEAN.

If you’re worried about assorted bad guys or monsters creeping around your home, buy a small dog.
You don’t need a Rottweiler on steroids; an 8-pound Pomeranian will make enough noise to wake Sleeping Beauty after a weekend drunk with the 7 dwarfs.
Also, a small dog isn’t fooled by any BS like pretending to be nice, or illusions that make the Evil Overlord look like your grand mother.
Dogs are totally honest and can’t be fooled.
They see straight through that crap and let you know right quick something ain’t kosher.
When the dog says something’s wrong, LISTEN.
Get the hundred dollar shotgun.
While the 8 pound Pomeranian savages their ankles, USE the shotgun.
Give the Pomeranian a nice treat.

If you come across some odd looking object with an mysterious hole in one end, use a little common sense, don’t shove your face in it, walk away.
Go about you’re business, and check the local news for a day or so.
Likely you’ll be hearing all about it on the 6:00 Report, instead of leading on the 6:00 Report.

IF you find yourself being harassed by one of those insufferable, snooty vampires, show him the hundred dollar shotgun and the garlic-soaked shells.
Inquire as to his life (death?) insurance.
He’ll take the hint and leave.

If you’re being protected by the police and they suddenly stop answering you, DON’T go looking for them to be sure they’re OK.
Get out the hundred dollar shotgun and prepare to repel boarders.

When taking a shower, keep a fresh bar of “Soap on a Rope” in the tube.
That way when the crazed murder rips the shower curtains open, you can beat the dog s**t out of him by using the soap as a flail weapon.

If you’re under threat, and your phone suddenly stops working in the middle of the night, it ISN’T because you didn’t pay the bill.
Break out the hundred dollar shotgun.

If the mysterious and slightly sinister CEO of the company you work for suddenly calls you into his plush executive suite and offers you fabulous wealth if you’ll “help him” with something, it’s time to take your 401K and seek employment elsewhere.
If it’s such a good deal, why didn’t he offer it to his brother in law Morris?

Home been invaded by ghosts, Wandering Lost Souls, Demons, or other assorted netherworld beings?
Forget the exorcist and those incompetent louts at Ghost Busters Inc.
Simply invite your buddies over for whatever game is in season.
Serve lots of beer, kielbasa, ham and beans, pickled eggs, and hot sauce.
Trust me, THIS will drive any and all ethereal beings right out the door, along with all roaches and mice, not to mention removing a significant amount of paint from the bathroom walls.
NOTE: Be sure to clean up the mess and thoroughly ventilate the house before the wife gets home.
Women have NO sense of humor about these things, and sometimes prefer the netherworld beings.

[maxmanta]

Forget about motion trackers. They seem to serve no tactical advantage and only scare the pants off of those reading them. Besides, they are frequently misread. *

BRING EXTRA AMMO FOR YOUR SENTRY GUNS! I cannot stress that enough. 500 rounds apiece will simply not suffice.**

DO NOT LAND YOUR DROPSHIP! Have it circle the LZ. Alienz*** cannot fly but they sneak their way undetected onto just about anything.



*In either "Alien" or "Aliens", has the motion tracker ever served any purpose OTHER than telling the character when they were going to die? I'd prefer to not see it coming.

**See the director's cut of Aliens.

*** "Alienz" (with a 'z') is to differentiate between the aliens of the "Aliens" movie (easily the best military sci-fi movie ever made) and the aliens of other movies.

[maxmanta]

If you must enter a darkened room, TURN ON THE DAMN LIGHTS FIRST! If the lights do not work but you must enter anyway, throw a flare in or use the biggest, brightest flashlight you can find.

Never go into the basement. It's waiting in the basement. Whatever "it" is, it's waiting in the basement.

[Brian D.]

Always listen very carefully to that ominous soundtrack music being played from the moment your mission starts, and learn to understand what is about to happen from its tone, volume, sudden absence, etc.

[gifted]

When you have a choice between a gun store and a mall, hole up in the gun store.