Sometimes 5 inches isn't enough...

**Mike Irwin** · July 13, 2000, 12:07 AM

This evening, as I slumbered, I was suddenly awaken by the inner perimiter alert alarms.

Damn, I thought to myself, how did the intruder get around the concertina wire and moat in perimeter 1, and the claymores in perimeter 2?

I looked out the window, and was horrifed....

HOTTENTOTS!

Hundreds of them, skulking through the shadows, hiding behind shrubs, laying low, waiting for their chance to rush the house!

I knew I had to act quickly. I ran for the Browning M1917 watercooled machine gun, but then I remembered what I had read on my favorite web site...

IT'S ONLY A WIMPY .30 CALIBER! (But it would be good for spray and pray!)

So, thinking quickly, off to the sponson mounted Gatling gun in .45-70.

BUT IT WAS JAMMED!

I had used grease on the mating surfaces, and it had gotten dusty; nothing would move!

Cringing, I knew I had to get out the big 'uns. Sucking in a lungfull of air, I hit the General Quarters alarm, knowing that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg for the 5-inch-gun crews.

Quickly, I shuffled that thought aside; I knew I had made the right decision in getting that home equity loan and having two excess 5-inch/38 caliber mounts from the Missouri installed on the corners of my house.

"MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!" I yelled into the speaking tubes as the klaxon sounded above me. "FIRE CONTROL, DIRECT MULTIPLE TARGETS AND COMMENCE FIRING AT WILL!"

Suddenly, the night was shattered!

Tongues of flame penetrated the night, the crashing report sounding like Thor's Hammer smiting the heavens and earth!

Again and again and again the guns roared!

Then, suddenly, all was still.

The hollow, ghostly voice came from the speaking tube... "No more targets, sir. We believe the enemy has retreated."

"Very well," I replied. "Send the men to bed."

I slumped into my chair, my Lahti 20mm pocket anti-tank pistol in my lap, a gin & tonic in my hand.

In the dawn's early light, I walked the scene of the carnage, recently known as my front lawn, with one of my county's finest.

To my shock and chagrin, there wasn't a Hottentot to be found. Anywhere.

Just three dazed and bleeding alley cats...

"You should have gone for those surplus main guns from the Pennsylvania. They have stopping power," the constable said.

Then, with a grin on his face, the officer turned to me and said...

"You know, sometimes size DOES matter."

------------------
Why yes, I HAVE been drinking this evening. Does it show?

Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.

[This message has been edited by Mike Irwin (edited July 13, 2000).]

sgtar15 · July 13, 2000, 12:37 AM

Hottentots?? Those guys are mean.

Nice read.

------------------
ALL CRIMES ARE HATE CRIMES.

SGTAR15

Ala Dan · July 13, 2000, 01:26 AM

If they get too close, they will throw those
damn satchel charges; so you'd better have some close combat skills.

Ohterwise, their
comrades might destroy you and the house with
those mortar's and RPG's.

Best call in the Cobra gunship's to blast their ass'es back
into reality!!!

Regards,
Ala Dan, N.R.A. Life Member

Archie · July 13, 2000, 01:28 AM

Mike, words just can't express.......

------------------
Archie

foxfire · July 13, 2000, 05:05 AM

Which studio in Hollywood has the movie rights?
And are you playing yourself in the title role...

have tape, want to be at the premier...

------------------
...defend the 2nd., it protects us all.
No fate but what we make...

45King · July 13, 2000, 05:22 AM

Y'know, this got me to thinking about the two projects I'm working on, and now I can't decide which I should continue to pursue....the 36" gun shooting the 4500# projectile at 3500fps, or the 1" gun firing the 4oz. projectile at 200Kfps.

Big & slow, or light and fast? Decisions, decisions....hey, maybe a double caliber double gun!

------------------
Shoot straight & make big holes, regards, Richard at The Shottist's Center

mcshot · July 13, 2000, 08:51 AM

Mike, What be the name of the poison that got you in this state. I'd like to try it just to have the firepower.
Any skull cramps involved later?

------------------
"Keep shootin till they quit floppin"
The Wife 2/2000

George Hill · July 13, 2000, 08:54 AM

Mike, man - you need to unplug and take a vacation!

bobo · July 13, 2000, 09:25 AM

Sombody has way tooo much time on their
hands. ( why do they always say "time on their hands" ?...why not on their heads or on their A**? )

James E · July 13, 2000, 10:09 AM

Mike:

I give your musings 5 stars, great stuff...would like to hear some more of this type of humor. Never mind those humorless detractors who don't have a sense of humor, the world needs some yuks just to try and stay sane with big brother looking down our throats and up our xxxxx. But I must admit I first thought the topic was concerning one's endowed short comings. Sounds like you are diffinetly ready to repel flash bangers, but I'm a bit worried about airstrikes. Do you have any anti aircraft defenses? And don't forget the guberment moles tunneling in under your perimeter wire.

Jim

**Mike Irwin** · July 13, 2000, 10:31 AM

James,

Hottentots don't fly airplanes. Their afraid of heights.

Mcshot,

The skull-cramp juice of choice is gin. Seagrams for gin & tonics, Boodles for martinis.

To the rest of you, I thank you. I have always believed that as I walk through life, I should:

Stop frequently to poke a bear with a pointy stick,

and,

BBQ a few sacred cows.

------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.

C.R.Sam · July 13, 2000, 10:35 AM

Mike...You might consider upgrading the 5" 38s to 5" 54s, more choices of projectile and capable of sustained fully automatic fire at 30 rounds per min.

James....The five inchers are pretty good antiaircraft guns for low and medium altitude flying cats.

A side benefeit is the muzzle blast shakes the ground and the nightcrawlers come to the surface. Either use em for fishin or toast em with the flame thrower for snacks.

Sam......follow me, I know a shortcut.

Rusty S · July 13, 2000, 12:13 PM

Give me a holler down her in Hawthorne, NV. The big barrels are gone from the HWAAP (replacements after that mishap on the Iowa I think ) but as you can see just across the railroad tracks south of the main gate we still have several popgun barrels left. Not sure if they are small enough to transport by Semi or if they need to ship by rail.

------------------
No more for him lads, it's time he was onto the wagon.

Ledbetter · July 13, 2000, 12:18 PM

Wish I had your ammo budget.

Regards,

Ledbetter

buzz_knox · July 13, 2000, 01:20 PM

Anyone want to buy one used computer screen, slightly moist?

**Mike Irwin** · July 13, 2000, 01:31 PM

Buzz,

I don't event want to know how your monitor got damp...

------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.

Futo Inu · July 13, 2000, 05:10 PM

Hottentot?

James E · July 13, 2000, 05:24 PM

Sam:

Are we talking Hellcats or Bearcats, a bit outmoded aren't they? Now I can see those ducted fan jobs working the job.

Jim

**Mike Irwin** · July 13, 2000, 09:29 PM

The Hottentots were an African tribe known for their ferocity in battle, both the men and the women.

Not as nasty a rep. as the Dinka, or as efficient as the Zulu, but right up there.

------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.

C.R.Sam · July 14, 2000, 05:29 PM

James...how bout Panthers and Cougers.

Sam.....Don't shoot honey, I forgot my keys.

Covert Mission · August 3, 2000, 10:57 PM

Those Hottentots are hot to trot, I've heard.

You is one funny guy, and maybe even when sober

Vodka's my special lube. Easier on the plumbing.

**Mike Irwin** · August 3, 2000, 11:01 PM

Covert,

Actually, I haven't had a drink in nearly a week, now. I don't drink much.

It's just an easy way of explaining my sense of humor...

------------------
Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag.
Chances are he knows how to use it.

SG12 · August 3, 2000, 11:13 PM

You know what they say, Mike: "In an insane society, a sane man must appear insane."

SG

six 4 sure · August 3, 2000, 11:29 PM

Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, I can think of nothing to say.

------------------
Now here we have the mining man, in either hand a gun.
He is not afraid of anyting, and he's never know a run,
He dearly loves his whiskey, and he dearly loves his beer.
He's a shooting, fighting, dynamiting, mining engineer.

Casey · August 4, 2000, 06:38 AM

I used to haul shells for a 5" 54 mount on the destroyer I was on (way back during the conflict in SE Asia). If five inches isn't enough, maybe there are some of the 8" from the old cruisers would work out......

Casey

July 13, 2000, 12:07 AM	#1
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 41,380	This evening, as I slumbered, I was suddenly awaken by the inner perimiter alert alarms. Damn, I thought to myself, how did the intruder get around the concertina wire and moat in perimeter 1, and the claymores in perimeter 2? I looked out the window, and was horrifed.... HOTTENTOTS! Hundreds of them, skulking through the shadows, hiding behind shrubs, laying low, waiting for their chance to rush the house! I knew I had to act quickly. I ran for the Browning M1917 watercooled machine gun, but then I remembered what I had read on my favorite web site... IT'S ONLY A WIMPY .30 CALIBER! (But it would be good for spray and pray!) So, thinking quickly, off to the sponson mounted Gatling gun in .45-70. BUT IT WAS JAMMED! I had used grease on the mating surfaces, and it had gotten dusty; nothing would move! Cringing, I knew I had to get out the big 'uns. Sucking in a lungfull of air, I hit the General Quarters alarm, knowing that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg for the 5-inch-gun crews. Quickly, I shuffled that thought aside; I knew I had made the right decision in getting that home equity loan and having two excess 5-inch/38 caliber mounts from the Missouri installed on the corners of my house. "MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!" I yelled into the speaking tubes as the klaxon sounded above me. "FIRE CONTROL, DIRECT MULTIPLE TARGETS AND COMMENCE FIRING AT WILL!" Suddenly, the night was shattered! Tongues of flame penetrated the night, the crashing report sounding like Thor's Hammer smiting the heavens and earth! Again and again and again the guns roared! Then, suddenly, all was still. The hollow, ghostly voice came from the speaking tube... "No more targets, sir. We believe the enemy has retreated." "Very well," I replied. "Send the men to bed." I slumped into my chair, my Lahti 20mm pocket anti-tank pistol in my lap, a gin & tonic in my hand. In the dawn's early light, I walked the scene of the carnage, recently known as my front lawn, with one of my county's finest. To my shock and chagrin, there wasn't a Hottentot to be found. Anywhere. Just three dazed and bleeding alley cats... "You should have gone for those surplus main guns from the Pennsylvania. They have stopping power," the constable said. Then, with a grin on his face, the officer turned to me and said... "You know, sometimes size DOES matter." ------------------ Why yes, I HAVE been drinking this evening. Does it show? Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag. Chances are he knows how to use it. [This message has been edited by Mike Irwin (edited July 13, 2000).]

July 13, 2000, 12:37 AM	#2
sgtar15 Member Join Date: May 17, 2000 Location: Sac,Ca,USA Posts: 68	Hottentots?? Those guys are mean. Nice read. ------------------ ALL CRIMES ARE HATE CRIMES. SGTAR15

July 13, 2000, 01:26 AM	#3
Ala Dan Member in memoriam Join Date: August 13, 1999 Location: In The HOT, Humid, and Mu Posts: 6,116	If they get too close, they will throw those damn satchel charges; so you'd better have some close combat skills. Ohterwise, their comrades might destroy you and the house with those mortar's and RPG's. Best call in the Cobra gunship's to blast their ass'es back into reality!!! Regards, Ala Dan, N.R.A. Life Member

July 13, 2000, 01:28 AM	#4
Archie Senior Member Join Date: May 26, 2000 Location: Hastings, Nebrasksa - the Hear Posts: 2,209	Mike, words just can't express....... ------------------ Archie

July 13, 2000, 05:05 AM	#5
foxfire Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: Tennessee Posts: 689	Which studio in Hollywood has the movie rights? And are you playing yourself in the title role... have tape, want to be at the premier... ------------------ ...defend the 2nd., it protects us all. No fate but what we make...

July 13, 2000, 05:22 AM	#6
45King Senior Member Join Date: March 12, 1999 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 1,033	Y'know, this got me to thinking about the two projects I'm working on, and now I can't decide which I should continue to pursue....the 36" gun shooting the 4500# projectile at 3500fps, or the 1" gun firing the 4oz. projectile at 200Kfps. Big & slow, or light and fast? Decisions, decisions....hey, maybe a double caliber double gun! ------------------ Shoot straight & make big holes, regards, Richard at The Shottist's Center

July 13, 2000, 08:51 AM	#7
mcshot Senior Member Join Date: October 24, 1999 Location: Over da bridge, Mi Posts: 754	Mike, What be the name of the poison that got you in this state. I'd like to try it just to have the firepower. Any skull cramps involved later? ------------------ "Keep shootin till they quit floppin" The Wife 2/2000

July 13, 2000, 08:54 AM	#8
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11,546	Mike, man - you need to unplug and take a vacation!

July 13, 2000, 09:25 AM	#9
bobo Senior Member Join Date: December 30, 1998 Location: Baton Rouge, La. USA Posts: 224	Sombody has way tooo much time on their hands. ( why do they always say "time on their hands" ?...why not on their heads or on their A**? )

July 13, 2000, 10:09 AM	#10
James E Junior member Join Date: April 20, 2000 Posts: 371	Mike: I give your musings 5 stars, great stuff...would like to hear some more of this type of humor. Never mind those humorless detractors who don't have a sense of humor, the world needs some yuks just to try and stay sane with big brother looking down our throats and up our xxxxx. But I must admit I first thought the topic was concerning one's endowed short comings. Sounds like you are diffinetly ready to repel flash bangers, but I'm a bit worried about airstrikes. Do you have any anti aircraft defenses? And don't forget the guberment moles tunneling in under your perimeter wire. Jim

July 13, 2000, 10:31 AM	#11
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 41,380	James, Hottentots don't fly airplanes. Their afraid of heights. Mcshot, The skull-cramp juice of choice is gin. Seagrams for gin & tonics, Boodles for martinis. To the rest of you, I thank you. I have always believed that as I walk through life, I should: Stop frequently to poke a bear with a pointy stick, and, BBQ a few sacred cows. ------------------ Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag. Chances are he knows how to use it.

July 13, 2000, 10:35 AM	#12
C.R.Sam Senior Member Join Date: October 29, 1999 Location: Dewey, AZ Posts: 12,858	Mike...You might consider upgrading the 5" 38s to 5" 54s, more choices of projectile and capable of sustained fully automatic fire at 30 rounds per min. James....The five inchers are pretty good antiaircraft guns for low and medium altitude flying cats. A side benefeit is the muzzle blast shakes the ground and the nightcrawlers come to the surface. Either use em for fishin or toast em with the flame thrower for snacks. Sam......follow me, I know a shortcut.

July 13, 2000, 12:13 PM	#13
Rusty S Senior Member Join Date: March 8, 1999 Location: Walker Lake, NV: Flyway of the Loons Posts: 611	Give me a holler down her in Hawthorne, NV. The big barrels are gone from the HWAAP (replacements after that mishap on the Iowa I think ) but as you can see just across the railroad tracks south of the main gate we still have several popgun barrels left. Not sure if they are small enough to transport by Semi or if they need to ship by rail. ------------------ No more for him lads, it's time he was onto the wagon.

July 13, 2000, 12:18 PM	#14
Ledbetter Senior Member Join Date: February 23, 2000 Location: California USA Posts: 4,533	Wish I had your ammo budget. Regards, Ledbetter

July 13, 2000, 01:20 PM	#15
buzz_knox Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Knoxville, in the Free State of Tennesse Posts: 4,190	Anyone want to buy one used computer screen, slightly moist?

July 13, 2000, 01:31 PM	#16
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 41,380	Buzz, I don't event want to know how your monitor got damp... ------------------ Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag. Chances are he knows how to use it.

July 13, 2000, 05:10 PM	#17
Futo Inu Senior Member Join Date: February 12, 1999 Location: Oklahoma City, OK, USA Posts: 3,624	Hottentot?

July 13, 2000, 05:24 PM	#18
James E Junior member Join Date: April 20, 2000 Posts: 371	Sam: Are we talking Hellcats or Bearcats, a bit outmoded aren't they? Now I can see those ducted fan jobs working the job. Jim

July 13, 2000, 09:29 PM	#19
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 41,380	The Hottentots were an African tribe known for their ferocity in battle, both the men and the women. Not as nasty a rep. as the Dinka, or as efficient as the Zulu, but right up there. ------------------ Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag. Chances are he knows how to use it.

July 14, 2000, 05:29 PM	#20
C.R.Sam Senior Member Join Date: October 29, 1999 Location: Dewey, AZ Posts: 12,858	James...how bout Panthers and Cougers. Sam.....Don't shoot honey, I forgot my keys.

August 3, 2000, 10:57 PM	#21
Covert Mission Senior Member Join Date: April 28, 1999 Location: West of the Pecos Posts: 671	Those Hottentots are hot to trot, I've heard. You is one funny guy, and maybe even when sober Vodka's my special lube. Easier on the plumbing.

August 3, 2000, 11:01 PM	#22
Mike Irwin Staff Join Date: April 13, 2000 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 41,380	Covert, Actually, I haven't had a drink in nearly a week, now. I don't drink much. It's just an easy way of explaining my sense of humor... ------------------ Beware the man with the S&W .357 Mag. Chances are he knows how to use it.

August 3, 2000, 11:13 PM	#23
SG12 Member Join Date: July 13, 2000 Location: Missouri Posts: 52	You know what they say, Mike: "In an insane society, a sane man must appear insane." SG

August 3, 2000, 11:29 PM	#24
six 4 sure Senior Member Join Date: November 18, 1999 Location: Harrisburg, IL Posts: 294	Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, I can think of nothing to say. ------------------ Now here we have the mining man, in either hand a gun. He is not afraid of anyting, and he's never know a run, He dearly loves his whiskey, and he dearly loves his beer. He's a shooting, fighting, dynamiting, mining engineer.

August 4, 2000, 06:38 AM	#25
Casey Senior Member Join Date: April 25, 2000 Location: Delaware, OH, USA Posts: 279	I used to haul shells for a 5" 54 mount on the destroyer I was on (way back during the conflict in SE Asia). If five inches isn't enough, maybe there are some of the 8" from the old cruisers would work out...... Casey